Jokes Page

Page 5

A burglary was recently committed at The Den and the entire contents of the trophy room was stolen. The police are looking for a man with a blue carpet.

---

The fire brigade phones Mark McGhee in the early hours of Sunday morning...

"Mr McGhee sir, The Den is on fire!" "The cups man! Save the cups!" cries Mark. "Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

---

Alan Curbishley went to the doctors complaining of an aching stomach, the doctor said you know what that is, you've got a bad side!

---

Q: What's the difference between a steward at Brighton and Viagra?

A: Viagra makes the pricks stand up!!

---

Q: How many Millwall fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: As many as you like, they will never see the light.

---

A first grade teacher in South London explains to her class that she is a Charlton fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Charlton fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Charlton fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you are not a Charlton fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am a Palace fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Palace fan?" "Because my mum is a Palace fan, and my dad is a Palace fan, so I'm a Palace fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in an annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Palace fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a w*nker and your dad was a w*nker, what would you be then?" "Then", Mary smiled, "We'd be Charlton fans."

Sent in by Martin Boyle

---

After finally realising that they were the worst team in South London, a Millwall fan had had enough. He ran down to the end of his road and nailed his season ticket to a tree in disgust. The next day, whilst walking his rather vicious looking dog, he walked past the tree and discovered that someone had stolen the nail.

Sent in by Phil Huffer

---

Apparently, Mark McGhee offered to send the Millwall squad on an all-expenses-paid holiday to Florida, but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

---

Alan Curbishley was caught speeding on his way to the Valley today. When questioned he said: "I'll do anything for three points."

---

A Brighton fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Brighton - The Glory Years". He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper. "That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear??" "Well it's a tenner for the video and £90 for the Betamax recorder!!

---

What is the difference between a battery and a Millwall fan? A battery has a positive side.

---

The Manchester United players are in the dressing room on Saturday. Just before the game Roy Keane walks in. "Boss," he says. "There's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a Cortisone injection." "Hey," says Becks. "If he's having a new car, so am I."

---

Q: What would England achieve with 11 David Beckhams? A: An average IQ.

---

Q: What do you do if a Millwall fan throws a pin at you? A: Run for your life... he's got a grenade in his mouth.

---

David Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he went riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and down out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good. With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head-first to the ground.

His head continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even slow down. Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth's manager came along and unplugged it.

---

David Beckham is celebrating: "57 days, 57 days!" he shouts happily. Posh asks him why he is celebrating. He answers: "Well, I've done this jigsaw in only 57 days." "Is that good?" asks Posh. "You bet," says David, "It says 3 to 5 years on the box."

---

<< Page 4 Page 6 >>