Jokes Page

Page 4

Important Virus Information

The Manchester United virus - This is where the computer develops a memory disorder, and forgets about everything before 1993.

The Manchester United shirt virus - This one is especially hard to detect as it changes its format every 3 months.

The David Beckham virus - This affects newer computers mainly. The computer looks great, all the lights are on but nothing works.

The Roy Keane virus - Throws you out of Windows.

The Alex Ferguson virus - The computer develops a continuous whining noise and the on-screen clock runs a lot faster or slower than all the other computers in the building.

The Andy Cole virus - The computer is unable to get anything into the 'inbox'.

The Mark Bosnich virus - You just can't save anything.

The Ryan Giggs virus - The computer develops a processor problem whereby it thinks it's better than it actually is. It also experiences dramatic fluctuation in performance.

Aside from the red viruses, there are several other 'Premiership' viruses that you also need to be aware of:

The David James virus - Your PC will act as though it will save something, but then unexplainably lets you down at the last second.

The David Ginola virus - The computer pretends to shut down, but then re-boots and is perfectly okay.

The Stan Collymore virus - This one is very hard to track down and is constantly on the move - has been known to boot up some Swedish models.

The Glenn Hoddle virus - Disables your PC, lets you down and then blames it all on its previous life as a calculator.

The Gordon Strachan virus - This one affects the spellchecker function on Word Processing software, highlighting thousands of errors that aren't actually there.

The Sheffield Wednesday virus - Crashes out of all programmes.

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Q: What's the difference between a packet of sellotape and Phil Neville.

A: One's a glueless kit.

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Q: What's the difference between a female Millwall fan and a pit bull?

A: Lipstick.

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Q: What do you call 20 Brighton fans skydiving from an airplane?

A: Diahorrea

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Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a Manchester United fan from Manchester, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a £50 note. Who gets it?

A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

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Q: What do Millwall fans and sperm have in common?

A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

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Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a Brighton fan?

A: A Doberman.

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Q: What do you have when 100 Brighton fans are buried up to their neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

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Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Manchester United fan in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

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Q:What do Millwall fans use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.

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Q: What is the difference between a Brighton fan and a trampoline?

A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

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Q: What do you call 5,000 dead Brighton fans at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start!

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A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran over David Beckham".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, he tried to escape through the park."

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Mark McGhee is sending his players for diving lessons because he's heard that there are 40,000 leagues under the sea and he reckons they must be able to win one of them.

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