Jokes Page

Page 3

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.

In the distance a voice shouted out: "Charlton are good enough to win the FA Cup." Snow White says: "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

A man desperate at Brighton's current situation decides to top himself in his living room, alone. He prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment he decides upon wearing his full Brighton kit as his last statement.

Several days later, a neighbour, catching sight of the hanging corpse, informs the police. On arrival, the police quickly remove the kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The neighbour, totally confused, asks why. The cop replies: "It's to avoid embarrassing his family."

A man goes into a pub with an alligator under his arm. "Do you serve Brighton fans here?" he asks. "Certainly sir, no problem at all," replies the barman, nervously staring at the alligator. "Okay," says the man, "A pint of lager for me and a Brighton fan for the alligator."

A Man United fan, a Muslim and a Hindu are travelling together when it becomes dark and they are forced to ask at the only hotel in town for a bed for the night.

The receptionist agrees, but says that as there is only two beds one, must sleep in the barn outside. So the three draw lots and the Muslim loses and goes to the barn to settle down for the night.

Five minutes later, he returns to the room apologising, but saying that as there was a pig in the barn he could not possibly sleep there.

The Manc and the Hindu then toss a coin and the Hindu loses and takes his possessions to the barn to sleep.

He also returns after a few minutes saying that there was a cow in the barn and so he couldn't sleep there either. Reluctantly the Manc takes his bag and walks to the barn to try and catch some sleep.

Two minutes later, the pig and cow enter the room...

The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had six children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then, when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said: "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you".

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like an aeroplane". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side: "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries.

Just before his son's eight birthday, the Sultan took him to one side: "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, shall get for you.

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like something to watch films on". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western movies.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side: "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son, who had caught the 'Western' movie bug, replied: "Daddy, I would like a cowboy outfit". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him the Charlton football team.

David Beckham wakes up one morning, showers and puts on his best tracksuit ready for another hard day's work of being an over-privileged little shit.

Catching sight of himself in the mirror he thinks: "By god, Dave, you're looking good this morning".

He admires the fine cut of his outfit and the neat trim of his hair, and flexes his biceps. "Feeling good, too," he notes proudly at the firm swell of muscle underneath the red shite's kit he was wearing.

He enters the kitchen downstairs and Posh, his wife, hands him a bowl of cornflakes. "You're looking fit this morning, Dave". "To be sure," says the thick pillock appreciatively. "I feel good as well." "But you're not smelling so good, mind," comments his beloved. Dave takes a sniff. "You're right there." he says worriedly. "I am smelling a bit rough." He eats his cereal, downs his coffee, and sets off for Old Trafford.

"Good morning to you, sweetie," he grins at Alex Ferguson. "It's a fine morning Dave," says Alex, "and you're looking really good. "Why thank you. I look good and I feel pretty good as well," says Dave flexing both arms for his benefit. "Oh Dave!" winces Alex in disgust, "you smell awful!".

Worried, Dave visits his doctor. "Doc, I've got a problem. I look good, I feel great, but I smell awful." The doc reaches down for his medical dictionary. "You look good," he scans down the page, "you feel great... but... smell awful. "Hmmm yes... It's quite simple, Dave," the doctor says, "You're a c***."

Little Johnny: "Mum I want to be a Millwall season ticket holder when I grow up." Mum: "Make your mind up Johnny - you can't do both."

If two Brighton fans were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?

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