Jokes Page

Page 2

David Beckham was speaking at a management conference: "The best thing about them," he said, "is that they're only two calories, and your mouth feels fresh for an hour". A voice from the back was then heard, "David, we wanted you to talk about tactics."

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Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs? A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.

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Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

A: They had pictures of Man U players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

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Q: If you see a Millwall fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?

A: It might be your bicycle.

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Q: Why did Alan Curbishley go to Argos...?

A: It's the only place he could pick up Premier points.

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Q: What do you call a female Millwall fan with 2 brain cells...?

A: Pregnant.

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Two Millwall fans bump into each other, and one said:

"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The other replied: "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off her clothes and said 'take what you want'."

The first Millwall fan nodded approvingly: "Good choice" he said: "The clothes wouldn't have fitted."

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Mark McGhee is out shopping in town when he sees an old lady struggling with her shopping

MM: Can you manage, love?

Old Lady: F*ck off, you took the job, you're stuck with it

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Q: How many Brighton fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, they're all happy living in the shadows

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Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Manc. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

A: Shoot the Manc. Twice...

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Q: What's the difference between Barthez and Pamela Anderson?

A: Pamela's only got two tits in front of her...

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A little boy goes to court because his parents beat him.

The judge asks the little boy: "Well son would you like to live with your mother?" So the boy replies: "No, my mum beats me!" So the judge says: "Well son, would you like to live with your Dad?" So the little boy replies: "No, my Dad beats me!".

So the judge all out of ideas asks the little boy: "Well son, who would you like to live with then?". So the boy replies "Brighton and Hove Albion."

So the judge is really puzzled and asks, "Well, why Brighton and Hove Albion?" So the boy replies "Well Mr judge, Brighton and Hove Albion, they don't beat anyone..."

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Millwall sign a Bosnian. On his debut he scores a hat-trick and is feted by all. After the match he phones his mum to tell her how it went. She says: I'm glad things are going well for you, son - it's not too good here.

People came to our house and wrecked it, your father was beaten up, your sister raped (as was the dog) and we're feeling pretty bad. I just wish you'd let us stay at home in Bosnia instead of bringing us here with you.

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Q: Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at the Valley?

A: It's the only place in the world with no atmosphere!

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Q: Why aren't the Brighton team allowed to own a dog?

A: Because they can't hold on to a lead.

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Q: What's the difference between the Brighton team and a tea bag?

A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

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A source inside Camelot has revealed that a man from New Cross was a recent lottery winner. The lucky man was delighted to announce that he had spent his winnings on a new player for his beloved Millwall. He said: "If my three numbers come up again I'll gladly buy them another!"

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Money-saving tip for Brighton fans: Don't waste money on yet another replica kit, simply strap a large dildo to your forehead. It will be perfectly obvious to everyone who you support!

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Have you heard that you can now buy Oxo cubes in Brighton colours? Just ask for laughing stock.

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