Jokes Page

Page 1

Posh Spice and David Beckham are sitting in front of the television watching the Six O'Clock News. The headline feature is a man who is threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge onto the busy A4 below.

Posh turns to Beckham and says: "Dave, I bet you £5,000 that he jumps." He replies: "£5,000! Done."

The pair shake on it and continue watching the commotion on the TV. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes £5,000 out of his pocket and gives it to Posh. "I can't take that from you Dave" she says. "I was cheating. I saw the Five O'Clock News earlier so I knew what was going to happen. I can't accept that money."

Beckham replies: "No Babe. The money is yours fair and square. I was cheating too. I saw the news at five, I just didn't think he would do it again."

Roy Keane had been carried off to hospital with torn knee ligaments and to no one's surprise, first to his skipper's bedside straight after the match was David Beckham with his young bride Posh. "How's things skip? What's the damage?"

Keano lifted his head off the pillow and groaned: "Not too bad son, it's all strapped up, I'm on the painkillers and in the morning they're going to give me a Cortisone Injection." Becks turned to Posh: "F***ing typical that is, just not fair, nobody gave me a f***ing car when I hurt my knee!"

Roy Keane, Dwight Yorke and David Beckham are at the training ground when Sir Alex announces that he has to leave training an hour early and that they should continue to work on their skills unsupervised.

"Sod that", says Keane. "I need to see my investor to discuss where my 50K goes this week - I'm off." "Me too," says Yorke. "There's a couple of blondes I've had my eye on for a while going to a party tonight and I need plenty of time to look my best." "Well I'd like to go home and see Brooklyn and Posh but I can't risk it" says Beckham, "especially after the bollocking I got from the gaffer last week."

"Come off Becks - are you really going to take any notice of Fergie?" they goad. So they all leave early and Beckham goes home. He can't find Posh so he goes to his bedroom for a quick nap.

As he opens the door slowly, he is shocked to see Posh on all fours on the bed with Sir Alex moaning in pleasure behind her. He shuts the door and leaves quietly.

The next day Fergie leaves training an hour early again. Keane and Yorke decide to go home early again and ask Beckham if he's coming as well. "No way!" he says, "I almost got caught yesterday!"

David Beckham is sitting at home bored. Posh is away on tour with the Spice Girls so he decides to have a go at a jigsaw.

He tries and tries to no avail and becomes more stressed as time goes by. Finally he decides to ring Sir Alex for help. On taking the call, Ferguson realises that he has a problem as his star player sounds really stressed out. "I can't do it" shouts David.

Ferguson gives him good advice. "Well David, why don't you find all the edges and piece those together first. Then gradually work your way inwards from there." "OK" says Beckham, "I'll give it a go".

20 minutes later, Ferguson's phone rings again. "I can't do it. I can't find the edges and none of the edges fit together. I don't know what to do I'm really stressed I may not be able to play on Saturday", says Becks. "Calm down David, what's the jigsaw of?" Ferguson asks. "A Bengal Tiger" replies David. "Right", says Ferguson, feeling on safer ground now.

"All you have to do is find the eyes. Once you have got those just work your way out from there. See you on Saturday".

10 minutes later, the phone rings again. "F*ck it", says Beckham. "I can't do it, I can't find the eyes and I'm not playing Saturday so there!!" "Stay where you are", replies Ferguson, "I'll be right over."

So Ferguson drives over to the Chateau de Beckham and Posh and knocks on the door. Beckham answers, sweaty and stressed. "Right where's this jigsaw?" demands Ferguson. "In the kitchen" replies a despondent David. Ferguson strides into the kitchen, takes a long look around and says: "Put the bloody Frosties back in the box David."

One day, a man walks into a antique shop in London. Looking around, he notices a life-sized bronze sculpture of a cat in the corner.

The sculpture is so intriguing, he decides he must buy it and asks the shopkeeper the price. "£12 for the cat, sir, and £100 for the story that goes with it." "I'll take the cat," says the man, "but you can keep the story."

The transaction completed, the man leaves the store with the bronze cat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two cats emerge from an alley and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another alley, more cats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two streets, at least a hundred cats are at his heels, and people are beginning to point and shout.

He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as hundreds of cats swarm from alleys, basements, and abandoned cars. Thousands of cats are now at his heels, and as he sees the river at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full pelt.

No matter how fast he runs, the cats keep up, hissing insanely. He looks up and sees that he is running towards the edge of the River Thames, and the trail of cats is now several hundred yards long behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze cat into the river. Clinging to the lamp post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of cats surges over the embankment and into the river, where they drown. Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the story," says the shopkeeper. "No," says the man, "I was wondering if you have a bronze sculpture of a Brighton fan?"

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