September 16 2013

Action

Jamesey looks ahead with dread as TV more and more reflects the Barclays Premier League's concentration on offsides, penalty decisions, diving and the rest of it.

Gary Spinnaker. Good evening everybody and this evening we have four matches to cover, all of them nil-nil draws but who says goalless games need to be boring, eh?

Mark Leeringson. (with a surly glare) I do, for one.

Alan Handsome. And me too although sometimes they can be absolutely sensational.

Gary. Well, our two pundits tonight need no introduction although one has had the boot (and not a golden one) and the other one is heading for a well-deserved early bath after next summer's World Cup.

Our first game Hull City v Arsenal involved a controversial disallowed goal when the ref blew the whistle late for offside.

Mark. It was stonewall offside. With a good magnifying glass you van see the player was three centimetres off when he received the ball.

Alan. Nah. It was an absolutely sensational run but he was easily three centimetres onside. And why did the official blow so late.

Gary. (grinning) Our expert panelists obviously beg to differ on that one. Our next game Manchester United versus Chelsea hinged on a disputed penalty call. Was it a dive by the forward in the box?

Alan. The defender lunged and caught the back of his leg after an absolutely sensational dribble. The ref was right to award a red card and a sending off.

Mark. No way, Jose.he threw his leg at the defender and fell like a sack of spuds. The card went to the wrong player.

Gary. A lively disagreement between our pundits once more.

In our third game, Newcastle v Sunderland, the ball rebounded of the forward's hand into the Geordies' goal. The referee gave a yellow card and a disallowed goal.

Mark. It was a legitimate goal. He couldn't have avoided it so it should have been one-nil.(snarling).

Alan. Nah. It was an absolutely sensational effort but rules are rules. He handled the ball so it's a card and the goal disallowed.

Gary. In our last game, and only the desire to keep my highly paid BBC job stops me from saying thank the Lord for that, it was a case of - did the ball cross the line? Let's have a look at the incident in Stoke v Everton.

Alan. Plain as a pikestaff. An absolutely sensational strike, parried by the 'keeper and trickles a clear centimetre over the line. Definitely a goal.

Mark. (looking cross). You can see when the astro camera is trained on the line that the ball failed to go that extra centimetre and would not have been a goal. The ref was right. No goal.

Alan. Was.

Mark. Wasn't.

Alan. Was.

Mark. Wasn't.

(Camera slowly fades to black.)

Email Jamesey with your comments to jevans3704@aol.com

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