November 17 2009

Mother Goose

After the colossal success of their last two seasonal pantomimes, the Selhurst Players are performing a new version of Mother Goose this year. Jamesey gives a sneak preview.

ACT 1

(It’s a family fun fair day at Selhurst and Mother Goose is watching the crowds enjoying themselves with jugglers juggling, monocyclists monocycling, cheerleaders twirling and 10th rate singers singing).

Mother Goose. How I wish I could enjoy myself like these good folk. But things aren’t going right for me. I owe several months' rent, I can’t find a buyer for my club for love nor money and the crowds are shrinking every week. Oh, there’s my son Colin.

(A lump of masonry falls off one of the crumbling walls and just misses her head).

Colin. Don’t be sad, mum. Things will work out in the end.

(From the speakers comes the sound of "Telstar")

Mother Goose. Sniff, sniff, sob, sob. Even my film was a flop. The critics loved it but the distributors wouldn’t touch it with a bargepole. I did so want to be a big shot film producer but I never have any luck these days.

(Colin exits whistling cheerfully. Enter the wicked Squire Kemsley Rock and his two heavies Dowie I and Dowie B).

Squire Kemsley Rock. Where’s my rent Mother Goose? You’re months behind now.

(The squire turns to the audience).

Squire. She is a silly old baggage isn’t she, children?

Audience. Oh no she isn’t.

Squire. Oh yes she is.

(The Dowies make throat cutting gestures and stand threateningly over Mother Goose).

Audience. Boo. Hiss.

Squire. Well, you’d better find my money soon or you’ll be sorry.

(The trio exit smirking. Enter Colin again accompanied by a large goose).

Colin. Look what I’ve just bought, mum. Her name is Priscilla and she was going cheap at the Fort Neef Pet Store. I’ve just a got a feeling she’ll bring us luck. At worst, she could replace the club mascots, that couple who run around looking like parrots.

Mother Goose. Oh dear, oh dear. As if we’re not in enough trouble, now we’ve got another mouth to feed although I suppose the eggs could be useful. But I can’t see how a goose called Priscilla will ever bring us luck.

Audience. Oh yes she will.

ACT 2

(Mother Goose is sitting in her kitchen adjusting her orange wig in the mirror. There is a clap of thunder, a flash of lightning and from a trapdoor on the floor of the stage springs a fearsome pantomime demon, Ronthazar).

Ronthazar. I am Ronthazar the pantomime demon. I have mystic powers and can harness the powers of darkness. (He turns to the audience) I do a bit of property development too if anyone wants to buy a nice modern semi.

Audience. Boo, hiss.

Mother Goose. Oh, you gave me quite a turn there. Do you always spring out on people like that?

Ronthazar. Fear not, good lady. I come in peace. I have the power to restore your lost youth and bring you good fortune if you do as I say.

Mother Goose. Well I can’t say I need my youth restoring (she smiles coquettishly) I look young enough as I am.

Audience. Oh no you don’t.

Ronthazar. I am told that your son, Colin, has got hold of a goose with magical properties. Give me the goose and I will give you your youth and I’ll even throw in the freehold of Selhurst Park too if we can agree.

Mother Goose. Well, that certainly sounds more interesting.

(There is a clattering of hooves and a pantomime horse trots onto the stage).

Front end. I’m Wayne Routledge.

Rear end. I’m John Bostock.

Ronthazar. (turns to the audience) Mother Goose doesn’t know this but my magical powers don’t always work. Both these lads came to me at different times asking for fame, wealth and Premiership football. I got them both transferred to Tottingham Hotfoot. But things didn’t work out according to plan. The front end is now at QPR and the rear end at Brentford.

(Ronthazar gives an evil chuckle and disappears accompanied by a clap of thunder and a flash of lightning. Colin enters looking very excited.)

Colin. Mum, mum, the most amazing thing has happened. Come quickly and look

ACT 3

(The football pitch at Selhurst. Priscilla the goose is sitting on the turf surrounded by six huge golden eggs. Mother Goose and Colin look on with mouths agape. One by one the eggs break open and red-and-blue stripe shirted footballers emerge).

First egg. Victor Moses at your service.

Second egg. Sean Scannell at your service.

Third egg. Alassane N'Diaye a votre service.

Fourth egg. Lee Hills at your service.

Fifth egg. Nathaniel Clyne at your service.

Sixth egg. Kieran Djilali at your service.

(Colin and Mother Goose are overjoyed).

Mother Goose. This is marvellous, Colin. Now I won’t have to do any deals with that horrible Ronthazar. And with this little lot we can win promotion and sell off a couple of them to pay the rent and all will be well.

(And they all lived happily ever after. Well it is a panto).

Email Jamesey with your comments to jevans3704@aol.com

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