December 9 2008

Aladdin - played by Simon Jordan

After the massive success of A Selhurst Christmas Carol last year, the Selhurst Players have pleasure in presenting another pantomime at the Holmesdale Theatre. Jamesey previews some of the action.

Act 1

(Two lads are sitting on a wall outside premises called The Whitehorse Chinese Laundry. One of the boys, Aladdin, has orange hair and wears fishnet tights while his brother, Wishy Washy, is obviously in awe of his sibling.)

Aladdin: I'm getting really cheesed off with life here in West Croydon, wasting our time helping Mum run the laundry. There's a big world out there for a bright young entrepreneur.

Wishy Washy: But what could we do, Aladdin? We ain't got no qualifications or nothing like that.

Aladdin: Well, I'm not going to spend the rest of my life my life washing people's dirty laundry and selling the odd mobile phone. I know I'll never make it as footballer but I could be big time in business.

(Suddenly their mother and owner of the laundry, the Widow Twankey, erupts onto the scene.)

Widow Twankey: The only business you two useless scamps will be in is the business end of my boot up your backsides. Now get on with your work.

(She turns to the audience.)

Widow Twankey: Aren't they the most useless pair of idlers you ever did see?

Audience: Oh no they're not.

Widow Twankey: Oh yes they are. Aladdin, iron those shirts. Wishy Washy, hang out all those knickers on the line. Now.

(Enter a rag-and-bone man on a cart pulled by a pantomime horse. He addresses the audience.)

Hello folks, boys and girls. My name's Mark Goldberg. I used to be an entrepreneur. Now I'm a rag-and-bone man. Talk about coming down in the world. Can't even afford a proper horse.

(The horse stamps its feet and neighs.)

Front end: Hi folks, I'm Mark Hudson.

Rear end: I'm John Bostock.

Audience: Boo, hiss...

Simultaneously: And we're both off.

(The horse starts to gallop offstage but is pulled back by Goldberg.)

Goldberg: Hang on a minute, you 'orrible nag. Hey Aladdin I've got an interesting mobile phone here. It looks really old and I've never seen one like it before. You interested in buying it?

(Aladdin examines the phone)

Aladdin: OK, Mark, I'll give you a couple of sovs for it.

(Aladdin rubs the phone and there is an enormous clap of thunder, puffs of smoke and flashes of lightning . There appears on the stage a man dressed Chinese coolie style.)

I am Jerry Lim, genie of the phone, master. I can grant you whatever you wish. Anything you ask for can be yours.

Aladdin: Are you pulling my plonker? (laughs nervously) OK then my local football club, Crystal Palace, is in administration. Buy it and make me chairman.

Genie: Your wish is granted, master.

(More puffs of smoke etc.)

Curtain

Act 2

(Aladdin and Wishy Washy are sitting in a posh restaurant, wearing Armani suits and holding glasses of Bolly.)

Wishy Washy: This is the life, eh, Aladdin. To think, a few years ago we were a couple of street urchins. Now you are rich and famous and the chairman of Crystal Palace Football Club.

Aladdin: Not as rich as I used to be, bruv. The club eats up money. And agents? Scum.

(The pantomime horse canters across the stage with unison cries of “We're off. We're off” and exits .)

Aladdin. But I am a hero to the fans. I make the headlines in the papers. I got girls stalking me. I live in luxury in Spain. I've done a few things right. The best thing I done was to get rid of that useless manager, Steve Coppell. (He turns to the audience.) He really was crap, wasn't he?

Audience: Oh no he wasn't.

Aladdin: Oh yes he was. Anyway I've still not achieved my main ambition which would bring me even greater fame and fortune. To get into the Premiership...

Wishy Washy: Have you still got that magic phone? Might be worth a try?

Aladdin: Nice one, my son. I've been saving it for the right moment and this could be it.

(He takes out the phone and rubs it. Repeat performance of last act, smoke, lightning, etc. A figure in a track suit with ID on the chest is standing on stage.)

I am Iain Dowie, second genie of the phone, master. I can grant you whatever you wish. Anything you ask for can be yours.

Aladdin: Get Palace into the Premiership pronto.

Genie: Your wish is granted, master.

(More puffs of smoke etc.)

Curtain

Act 3

(Aladdin and Wishy Washy are in the same restaurant but their suits are shabby and ill-fitting and they are drinking halves of lager.)

Wishy Washy: Well, we had a good season in the Prem, bruv.

Aladdin: And we would still be there if that idiot Dowie had done his job properly. Relegated by the Clowns on the last day of the season. (He puts his head in his hands.) But I've had enough of all this after eight years. If only I could find a mug,...er, buyer...I could get rid of the poxy club.

Wishy Washy: There's always the phone genie, bruv.

(The pantomime horse canters across the stage with unison cries of "We're off. We're off" and exits .)

(Aladdin takes out the phone and rubs it. Repeat performance of last act, smoke, lightning, etc. An elderly grey-haired figure is standing on stage.)

I am Ron Noades, final genie of the phone, master. I can grant you one last wish. Anything you ask for can be yours.

Aladdin: Find me a buyer for Crystal Palace.

Genie: You must be 'avin a larf, mate? Don't you know we're in the worst recession since 1929? I'm only a genie not Jesus, Allah, Buddha and God Almighty rolled into one. Reasonable miracles I can do for you but find a buyer for Palace. (He chortles towards the audience.) This Aladdin is a real joker, isn't he?

Audience: He certainly is...

Genie: You haven't done a flippin' thing in nine years to the ground. It's an old-fashioned wreck. The area gets slummier by the year. You ain't even got the freehold. It's on a mortgage to some north London spiv. The only improvement is the Holmesdale end, done years before you arrived unless you call sticking up a telly screen - which half the ground can't see anyway - an improvement. Sorry mate, last wish refused.

(The genie evaporates leaving Aladdin and Wishy Washy with very long faces.)

Curtain

Act 4

(Aladdin and Wishy Washy are outside premises called Marbella Chinese Laundry. Aladdin is ironing shirts while Wishy Washy is hanging out baskets of knickers on a line to dry.)

Aladdin: Sometimes it's best to cut your losses and stick to what you know, eh bruv?

Wishy Washy: At least we're running our own laundry here without Mum ordering us about.

(Enter Widow Twankey) That's what you think. I caught the first Greasyjet I could find when I heard what you two were up to. I'll soon teach you how to run a laundry properly. (she turns to audience) What a waste of space they are, aren't they?

Audience: Oh yes they are…

Final curtain

Email Jamesey with your comments to jevans3704@aol.com

In Depth Jamesey's Veteran View Index