July 1 2001

Simon Jordan

Simon Jordan had to sift through hundreds of applications for the vacant manager's job after Alan Smith was sacked. We take a look at some of the applications he recieved ...

Peter Taylor

Simon, I would like to apply for the vacant post of chief no-hoper. Apart from an old Eagle bar steward (yes, I did moonlight at times), I think my managerial qualifications are second to everybody else.

I was very successful with the England kids (I admit, I had some help from Dave Jones & Garry Glitter). And at Leicester City I have turned a so-so Premiership club into a wreck.

I did apply for the Bradford post, but was told that they needed it to keep the bar from falling over. I look forward in eager anticipation to your reply.

Fido of St Dunstans

I am reasonable at leading the blind, and I would like the added challenge of taking responsibility of the 'cranially impaired' (the stupid, I'm trying to be politically correct here).

I stop at kerbs, traffic signals, or any sign of attack from anyone armed with a football. I can turn on a sixpence, and bark at policemen and ball-boys.

I will not beg for morsels, and am quite content to eat with my masters, on the crumbs dropped from 'the Albion table'. I roll over at the command 'Seagulls', but doesn't everyone?

Dennis Tito

Hi Simon, Someone from NASA texted the job description to me. As you know I'm currently on holiday in a big empty place with no atmosphere.

This I feel gives me great experience of what being at Selhurst Park on a Palace matchday is like. Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Tommy Taylor

Simon, I was most distressed to see that you felt my previous application had some ambition (ie finishing above Orient).

Rest assured, with me installed in your managerial post, Leyton will begin to thrive again, whilst I lead Palace steadily into the doldrums. Down the Palace!

Ferdinand VonZepplin

Dearest Simon, I think im ideally suited to pilot the sinking ship known as "crippled alice".

I've planned, designed, built and flown much bigger crafts than what you've currently got in your control.

All mine were full of even more gas and all went down in an inferno of flames!

If I'm over-qualified for the managerial position, perhaps we could just sell the coach and use one of my aforementioned airships for the trips to Chesterfield and Bury. I'll drive. Vaiting in Eagerness, Von Zep.

Basil Fawlty

Dear Mr Jordan, I feel I would be suited to the current vacancy that is available.

The highlights of my managerial career include falling over garden gnomes, people dying within my premises, being criticised by environmental health, employing inept foreigners, setting fire to the kitchen, falling off ladders, forgetting important dates, car breakdowns, smashing expensive vases, inability to operate fire alarm systems, and falling for the antics of confidence tricksters.

If the above events put you off, on the grounds that I appear over-qualified, may I point out that I also wanted some constructional alterations done to my premises, however it ended up as a total monstrosity due to a cock-up by the firm of cowboy builders that we used.

I understand that your company has also suffered the same affliction - I believe it's called something like "The Holmesdale Stand"?? Additionally, I understand that my lack of catering expertise may also strike a chord with you.

Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you - and if the answer is no, there'll be no hard feelings whatsoever... you'll be more than welcome to pop in for a drink, when you're down in Torquay the season after next!!

Robert Plant & Jimmy Page

Dear Simon, We read with interest in one of the tabloids, that our namesake Von Zepplin has applied for the managerial position of your club.

We think what your doing with Palarse is marvellous and would like to offer you the opportunity of using one of our anthems to play over the tannoy once you get relegated and again after ever loss in the 2nd division.

It's called "Stairway to Heaven"

Best of Luck and keep up the good work.

John Brown

Dear Mr Jordan, I am a director of SCOPE, and am keenly interested in sponsoring "Crippled Alice" for your forthcoming season in Division 2 and the following season in Division 3.

I feel it would benefit our members to see that being able-bodied doesn't necessarily mean you are better in life.

Your team definately proves this and is a massive confidence boost to anybody who is either physically or mentally impared. Yours sincerely, J Brown

Eddie the Eagle

Dear Simon, You may remember me as the four-eyed little squirt who got reasonably good at jumping off large cliffs and landing badly at the bottom during the Olympics some time ago.

I think my experience in dropping could be vital in helping you down the Nationwide league. I'd get on well with the supporters at Noades' Sellout Park as I look like most of them too.

Maybe if I'm over-qualified for the manager's post, you could make me the new mascot.

I've got the right name afterall, and you know im a total loser! Yours hopefully, Eddie

Terry Venables

Dear Simon, In view of my experience, I feel I am suitably qualified to finish the job that I started two years ago.

Whilst having an eye for exceptional talent, I will ensure that, by using my excellent financial management skills, I will continue to deliver the sort of football that Crystal Palace fans have come to love and expect this season.

I gather there will have an £8m transfer budget for next season. Palace fans can therefore expect to see signings such as Don Key, R Sole, Ufat B'stard and Wayne Kerr.

I look forward to hearing from you in due course. Yours, T Venables

Krispies

Simon, I don't drive, but I can organise some lively singing on the coach if that helps.

Alan Smith

Dear Simon, Please can I have my old job back. You've really screwed things up bigtime and our plans have been put back an entire year now. Yours incredulously, Alan.