July 1 2001

Simon Jordan

Simon Jordan had to sift through hundreds of applications for the vacant manager's job after Alan Smith was sacked. We take a look at some of the applications he recieved ...

Simon Jordan

Tommy, I would have to turn you down I'm afraid, I agree you have made a complete balls-up of proceedings at Brisbane Road, but your inabilty to recognise Crystal Palace as potentially the biggest losers in London does get the alarm bells ringing.

If you can prove that with 18 months we will be below Orient and thus the worst perfoming London club, then I may take a second look at your application.

I'm hoping to finish next season in the bottom three again and this time I hope to be more succesfull by fininshing above QPR. That bloody Alan Smith let me down.

Anyway with the scout now in place it looks like we could still pip QPR, so let's hope hey.

Regards Tommy, give my love to Barry H

John Sitton

As the old f**king manager of Leyton f**king Orient, I'd be fu**king ideal mate.

I'd f**king put 11 yoof players out on 'undred quid a week evry game and tell 'em to bring their own f**ckin' dinners. That'll get em fu**kin relegated. (he used to swear a lot by the way).

Simon Jordan

Abdulah, Greetings my African friend. The problem I can see with McDonald's is that they are extremely popular unlike Palace, but then again though they are popular they are made of $hite and are difficult to swallow, a lot like our performances.

The fact that in six years you earned a couple of stars does worry me a little, but I am sure that given the state of this club we can soon knock that bad habit of achievement out of you.

In relation to your African family, I am sure we can find them something to do.

If any of them has any football boots maybe we can replace them with Morrison, I'm sure no one would know the difference, execpt your family members may score the old goal which may make people suspicious.

As for the passports no problem, we picked up a chinese tourist called Fan and bought his whole family over from the eastern province, a couple of them are now woking in our parent company, Selhurst Sainsbury's whilst the other two have opened up a small take-away which I must say brings in about £16.42 per week for the club to strenghten the sqaud.

Yes Abdullah, you've got potential. I think next Tuesday morning at 9:45am. Meet me in the mobile phone shop. You bring the plan and I'll bring the passports.

Stan Collymore

Hi Simon, I've basically f@cked up all my life and this is the chance for me to prove what a @rsehole I am.

I've been diagnosed as mentallly not al there, just like yourslef for buying this sh1t club.

I'm as hard as the Palace fans as I proved when I gave some bird a good pasting. I've not got a clue how to deal with people let alone players and if you did offer me this position, I could even supply our kit for next year as I have 11 staightjackets at home, which considering your playing staff, would make a difference to their performance.

I've even got my shortlist drawn up for who I want to buy. Bobby Bowry (skillfull midfielder), Marco Boogers (goalscorer) and finally Ian Bishop coz he is already used to going down!

Simon Jordan

Stan C, Funny you should apply, every time I need a slash and I wip it out I look down and think Stan Collymore ... what a c0ck ...

You maybe a little too popular to get the job, but then again you got the cr@p beaten out of you a couple of months ago in some club didn't you?

I think the fans might relate to you in that respect as they are always getting beaten up, by Charlton, Brighton, Gillingham and Millwall fans. I must say I like the tough boy "I knocked out a bird" image, you beefy old weirdo.

Yeah, come in for interview, I could do with a man who signs on the dotted line changes his mind 10 minutes later and f*cks off. Tuesday 12pm.

P.S Do you mind if we print the clubs new sponsor on the Straight jacket.

We are being sponsored next year by the Big Issue, I thought that maybe everyone might throw a quid at the players, so we could raise some needed money, only to be told today that most of the fans had been lobbing coins at them already for some weeks.

Alex Ferguson

Hello all. As you know I am planning on retiring from professional football end of next season and so I am very interested in managing a Sunday league team like Crystal Palace where there isn't a lot of brain power involved.

Get back to me on 0800 LOADSA MONEY THATS 0800 LOADSA MONEY (Sorry didnt mean to rub it in).

Attilio Lombardo

Ciao Simone bella, So sorry, I am appleeing for me olde jobbe back, as yhou can cee, my Hengleesh is improoved much bet than last teme.

I wood lick to return and would by all my pasta from Sainsberries as the Dolmio sauce is march better than in Italia.

I haf been studying the Hengleesh game and as you can see I have a typycal managers hairstyle, all I need is a sheepyskin coat, which wif all the foot and mowf I shood be able to get one cheep!

Arrievedeci, Attillio

Frank Spencer

Hmmmm Hello Simon I'm Frank. Betty told me that there was a job at Palace with you, and she said for me to tell you that I'm the man for you.

I have never driven a big bus before, but I once had a go on a removals van and I think if I had had longer at that job that I could have got better, although my boss didn't think so Hmmmmm.

Anyway as you have Sunshine Variety Coaches for both the team and fans it I'm confident that I can get you and all the lads safely around the country.

H'oh ... I've never had a job before so some people think I'm clueless but I remember what my mother told me and that was one day I'd meet people who would look up to me, and that we'd all live in a Palace ... so see Simon its destined. Hmmmmm.

Bill Archer

Dear Simon, I love the direction you are taking the club in! I almost succeeded in completing my own grand plan at Brighton, but was thwarted at the last by those pesky kids from Sussex.

I see you also do not own your own ground. Maybe we could go and play at Gillingham, that would be sure to break the spirits of the fans and then replace the few remaining average players with a bunch of non-league no-hopers.

I'd bring in Jimmy Case as my ticket collector and David Bellotti to clean the bus and make the tea.

You wouldn't see much of me though as I'll spend all my time at my house in Cheshire and use any transfer proceeds to pay for my home improvements.

Imagine what a team we would make together. I await your response. Yours Bill.

Alan Curbishley

Dear Simon, I'm fed up having to work at the caravan site with all the pikies & want to work in better class of area. As long as it's not a RED bus I don't mind what I drive.