July 1 2001

Simon Jordan

Simon Jordan had to sift through hundreds of applications for the vacant manager's job after Alan Smith was sacked. We take a look at some of the applications he recieved ...

Simon Jordan

William, I would love to interview you, you are on the short list and when you loser status is confirmed I wondered if Anne Widdicombe fancied the team coache's job.

That way we could flog the existing team coach down the auction. I'll be in touch once we are both 100% ratified as losing no-hopers.

T Fenwick

If it's a school bus then I'm just the man your looking for. I always carry a bag of sweets for the kids and you can rely on me to be smiling no matter what.

Mark Goldberg

Simon mate, I'm ideal and I need a job because im a bankrupt. Surely im the most qualified to carry on my previous great work with Palace.

Mind you I'll have to try and pass my driving test. Give me a call Simon ... Please?

Simon Jordan

Terry, I will put you on the list for interview, you're the second so far. I remember you playing for England but most people knew you were always $hite and as you've been nowhere to be seen for years you are just the type of bum who could fit right in here.

Alan Ball

I'm your man definately. My abysmal record speaks for itself. Ask any Pompey, Man City or Exeter fan. Southampton loved my one tactic though!

I used to squeak "Pass the ball to Matty". We'll need to sign anyone called Matthew therefore.

When's my interview?

Simon Jordan

Mark, How are you I havn't seen you since that day down at the administrators. Remember when I told you I would transform this club, well what do you think Mark of what I've done so far?

I thought as everyone tries to move forward and go up the tables it might be fun or just different to try and do things the other way around.

You ruined the club financially but you did get some good players in and an excellent manager in Venables so again I cannot rule you in at this stage.

You should know more than anyone how it works here Mark, we're looking for absolute $hite, someone with no personality who hasn't got a clue about the transfer market or what it takes to be successfull.

I know you fit the latter, what with the bankruptcy and all but you did do to well at the other parts.

Tell you what, I'll have a word with Martin Johnson the assistant manger of the trolley collecting pool next door and see if he can fit you in for a few evening shifts, that way you'll get a free season ticket and not have to pay to see the sewage that floods the pitch once a fortnight.

Take care Mark you really done us proud, but I'm determined to go one better than you, this time next year we will be on the verge of a trip to Rushden and Diamonds, you just watch me.

Simon Jordan

Alan, Hi, you are that little bald to$$er aren't you with ginger pubes, yes yes ... I like it.

Do you think if you came in you get our fans to sing "Play on Palace, Palace play one". I've always liked that one, it's sort of dull and dreary and uninspiring.

You're record is easily good enough for and interview for the job, if you have a driving licence for the coach and some experience of working with handicaps then you'd be right up there with the other two I have called in for interview.

When you come to Selhurst, it might be easy to come on a match day as it's easier to find, just take the train to Selhurst and follow the laughing.

You may hear a small roar quite often between the laughing, that's just the away fans as they keep scoring ... see you soon.

Jimmy Nicholl

My last visit to South London went spectacularly badly. I managed to take Millwall from top of the first division at Christmas to relegation in the same season.

I then plummeted down the 2nd before being asked to take myself and my useless Jock signings back north.

Am I in with a shout Simon bearing in mind no-one will be able to understand a thing I say (not that it will be worth listening too)?

Simon Jordan

Jimmy, You're looking favourite. I like the experience and the cluless way in which you posted your application tells me I could work with this man.

I'll formerly write to you to invite you down to Selhurst for a chat about our great plans for the future.

If you could bring an interpretor with you, I would appreciate it as I aint too clued up on the old Jock talk.

You look the the disaster waiting to happen that I've been dreaming about. See you soon you weirdo.

Brian Law

Did someone mention a bus...?

Tommy Taylor

Dear Simon, In regards to the vacant manager's post I would like to put myself forward as a plausible candidate.

I am currently manager of the worst team in London, Leyton Orient.

My special qualities include: spending none of the available budget, absolutely no discernable tactics, selling any promising youth players for peanuts and then signing a proponderance of talantless foreigners in their place, the utilisation of long words in interviews in order to cover up my aforementioned footballing ineptitude, no respect for my players and the club's fans, hopeless appointments of my backroom staff, and have great experience at managing a club under the guidence of an unambitious, money-grabbing, self-made businessman chairman.

Please refer to Mr Barry Hearn esq for a full catalogue of my crass ineptitude, which I believe, fully encapsulates the ethos of your club.

Abdula Omalula

Hello Mr Jordan, I am interesting in the vacant post of being manager of Crystal Palace Football Club.

I am currently working in my local McDonald's supplying the public with Big Macs etc. I feel I have the qualifations for the post as I have earned two McDonald's stars in the space of six years.

I do tend to get confused a lot and can just about speak English, but I'm sure I can make Crystal Palace the best non-league team within the space of three years.

I also have family in Uganda who would be willing to work as part of my coaching staff in return for a British Passport. Thanks in advance I look forward to hearing from you.