July 1 2001

Simon Jordan

Simon Jordan had to sift through hundreds of applications for the vacant manager's job after Alan Smith was sacked. We take a look at some of the applications he recieved ...

Extracted from the HOL Come and Have a Go forum

Simon Jordan

Manager/Bus driver required Salary up to £15k pa

Manager wanted for retarded group to supervise weekend activities. Under-achieving adult men with learning difficulties, four defenders and a goalkeeper with blindness, four midfielders with balance and directional problems.

Must be able to a drive team bus as finances are limited and have at least four years experience of shopping in Sainsbury's as it shares the ground with us along with a larger more successful club called Wimbledon.

(Please note that all candidates will be required to show their reward cards as proof of shopping).

Must also have a good eye for a bargain, training given in Sainsbury's in the buy one, get one free method, using lemons and cabbages before being let loose in the transfer market.

If you're prepared to man this "Sinking Ship" and can offer us some more rudderless, fruitless years, then you could be ideal.

If you're down on your luck and feel like everything you turn your hand to fails, this could be a job for you.

If you were the nerdy geek at school with no mates and were often getting beaten up, then write to us straight away. We can offer you a lacklustre future full of wonderful failures.

If you honestly fit this discription and are prepared to drive to Wrexham next year and Carlisle the year after, then please leave a message stating why you think you should be Captain Palace. Crystal Palace FC "The only Way is Down".

John Still - Barnet

I have seen the ad and am very interested, I am currently managing Barnet who are bottom of the league and think my experince is ideal for the job.

Simon Jordan

You'd probably be to much for us to pay you. Your previous record sounds ideal, we going down and down also so I think you would fit.

The problem I have though John, is that it looks like you will win the last game with Torquay and therefore avoid relegation.

At Palace we do not avoid relegation so I'm not sure. Tell you what John, give me a call back next week after the season's over if you beat by Torquay, because maybe by then I might be convinced you have a future here.

Big Al

Hi my name's Big Al and I'm really big and my name's Al as it goes. I saw the ad in the window of the newsagents, and as I nursed my grandad a few years ago I thought I might be given the chance to have a go at Selhurst.

Simon Jordan

Big Al, Sorry but you're over-qualified. I heard your grandfather got better and recovered, hardly the spirit I need to fit in here. Good Luck in your search, have you condsidered Penge FC?

Steven Coppell

Simon, I really would like another chance after what happened last time, can we not work it out?

Simon J

Steve, I made myself clear in the Press today that there was no way back for you, and NO you cannot have another chance.

I will not forget the pass you made at me at the Christmas party and I am not interested now, as I was then, in any an extra marital fling with you.

It just could not work Steve. I have a reputation to uphold as a leading dispenser of mobile accessories and preffered customer of Sainsbury's.

Sorry Steve, your chance is gone, I am not gay like you or those idiots on the terraces who idolised you.

Tomas Brolin

Hi Simon, I saw your advertisment in my local job centre under the New Deal scheme and thought if you need a loser, then there's nobody better than me!

I used to be quite successful, but then I joined the mighty Eagles and then everything went a bit "Pete Tong" as u lot say.

I've now got the bug for losing and feel I would be perfect for this job. I also love food coz I am a fat b@stard so I would shop at Sainsbury's all day long. So come on Si, would do ya say?

Simon Jordan

Thomas, my fat old chum. Sorry you're not the man I'm looking for as you were slightly good at one point in your career which is over-qualified for this job mate.

Plus you're Swedish and as Abba were so popular in the seventies like Palace were, I don't want to remind everyone that Abba are no more than faded has-beens, a bit like ... Well you know what I mean Tom.

If your dog gets lonely whilst you're out working, get him to give me a call. I need a new scout after placing the club's scout into the hotseat temporarily.

Well that's what the Press wrote ... truth is Tom ... it was a young scout from the Mitcham 8th pack that I met on the common.

Andy Hessenthaler

Simon, I'm dropping you this note on the quiet as I am under contract at the minute, you see the thing is Mr Jordan, I'm doing rather well at Gillingham and I know the team here would whip yours any day of the week.

But that aint my point. My point is that I am tired of all the Medway softies that follow this club and the women are the cheapest loudest scrubbers this side of Blackpool.

Honestly Simon, you do well for the club and all your achivements go to a bunch of ladettes who'd run from an old people homes and a bunch of rotten old hags when you go out for a drink.

I know I am too succesfull to manage the club, what with the promotion last year, but I could always fill some other hole that you may have.

Simon Jordan

Andy, It was trying to fill a role that got Coppell fired, so cut the gay cr@p. I wouldn't have you in here if we were a team that actually won a few games.

Your name sounds German and you look like the fans you described (girlie and soft).

As for the rotten old tramps (Gillingham birds Andy), I can assure you they are equally as bad around here, most of them come complete with facial and underarm hair and teeth the same colour as your away strip.

Stay in Medway Andy, no-one likes you or that minnow you run that is having its first semblance of success and avoiding relegation.

William Hague

Hi Simon, Thought I'd say a hello to you old chap and how's it all going down in the southern part of London.

My press guy passed me the ad and I thought I may be just the man. I'm working at present but I think I will be out of a job very soon.

It's about the time you are confirmed as losers, I am expecting the same fate. You see I need another job Simon as Ffion cannot support the two of us, and as I read your ad, it sort of fitted rather well.

I have always been a loser have never made anything of myself, I have no real direction or policies and I am not popular, no-one likes me except some fat old hag called Anne Widdicombe and I really don't know much about football at all.

I have been shopping at Marks & Spencers for food though, hope it doesn't go against me, though I will use the Sainsbury's if I get the job or maybe even the £1 shop if I don't.

I may not be the future of Britain but I sure as hell could be the future of Palace. I've always liked the royal family, yes, I can see it now ... William of the Palace.