I've received a couple of calls on my mobile recently telling me that I owe money to HMRC and unless I press 1, I will be arrested immediately. I'm still waiting.

But, what is it about 'press 1'? Whether someone has spent money on my Amazon account, or they say I haven't paid my sub, or BT are going to cut off my broadband, or Microsoft tell me my computer has been compromised, the solution always is to 'press 1'. Why not 5 or 9?

One day I will press 1 just to find out, but frankly don't want to give the fraudsters the satisfaction.

For reasons best left aside, our landline comes through to an old, red dial telephone, so with the best will in the world we are unable to press 1, or any other number.

Has anyone ever pressed 1? If so, what mysterious box does it open?

Dad and I watched games standing on the muddy slope of the Holmesdale Road end. He cheered and I rattled.

We have an old Vintage Bakerlite Phone with an old fashioned dial (Ohh how posh) More of an ornament than anything as we never dial out on it. Plus it takes ages waiting for the dial to go back round (How did we ever cope 1st world problems) But it does make it very difficult to press 1 to be connected.

I ride a GS scooter with my hair cut neat
I wear my war time coat in the wind and sleet.

Oh dear, that's awful. Poor her (and you). Seems difficult to block these calls. The buggers use different numbers through some kind of computer random selection.

They're a pain in the neck for sure.

my personal favourite is the people ringing from 'BT' saying that you have A virus, and want to get some information off your harddrive.

My general rule is to tell them that I need to turn the offending Laptop on... and that it's crap and takes ages. then put them on Mute, and carry on with my work, and see how long they Last. every now and then let them know that I'm still here, and it's still booting up.

If you waste their time they can't waste anyone elses.

"It was a Team effort, I guess it took all players working together to lose this one"

One of my clients had the HMRC one.

Called them back, had them on the phone for 40 minutes before suggesting they weren’t actually HMRC.

At this point he told me to f*** off and do something with a goat.

If any fraudsters are reading this - a small tip to make it more convincing that you are HMRC. Don’t answer in under 20 minutes, it’s a giveaway!

Oh I love playing havoc with these scammers (lockdown has a lot to answer for):

BT: you have a virus......I lead them on for 5-10 minutes, then tell them that I'm 83 and blind so why do they imagine I have a computer?

If the callblocker shows International:

1)I pick up phone and before they can speak I say "I've done it, but there's blood everywhere.......what do you want me to do next? They generally hang up.... or

2)I answer the phone (in my best 'posh' office voice, and demand they state 'Security number and Department code' - I'll do this 3 times over their chatter, then I tell them that they have dialled a government security department and their location has been traced and that if they do not vacate the line immediately or use this number again, security forces will be dispatched to their premises with serious consequences for them and their company.
One poor Asian guy was actually in tears begging me not to send them as he would lose his job :-)

I fine days I just go the gardening....

A stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell give some indication of expected traffic numbers