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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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Pikester Worthing 19 Sep 13 1.42pm
Quote doi209 at 16 Jul 2013 8.46pm A man went to get the results of his illness from the doctor.. "I'm afraid you have Yellow 42 - a disease so rare it doesn't have a proper name. Bad news is..you only have six months to live..." The man goes home and tells his wife. After the crying, she vows to spend more time together for the final few months together - starting tonight at the bingo hall. So the go down to Gala Bingo. In the entrance hall he puts a pound in the slot machine..and wins £200. He plays bingo and wins every line, corner and full house. He plays the national link and wins £20000. Upon receiving the money the MC says "you must be the luckiest man alive. You win £200, all the bingo and £20k national." The man says "I have Yellow 42" "Bugger me" says the MC, "you've won the raffle as well". This got the first laugh out of my teenage boys for years. Normally I tell them I have a joke for them and they raise their eyebrows and skulk off. For a few moments after telling this one they almost liked me! You fed me, you bred me, I'll remember your name.
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Pikester

Worthing 19 Sep 13 1.42pm

Quote doi209 at 16 Jul 2013 8.46pm

A man went to get the results of his illness from the doctor..

"I'm afraid you have Yellow 42 - a disease so rare it doesn't have a proper name. Bad news is..you only have six months to live..."

The man goes home and tells his wife. After the crying, she vows to spend more time together for the final few months together - starting tonight at the bingo hall.

So the go down to Gala Bingo. In the entrance hall he puts a pound in the slot machine..and wins £200.

He plays bingo and wins every line, corner and full house.

He plays the national link and wins £20000.

Upon receiving the money the MC says "you must be the luckiest man alive. You win £200, all the bingo and £20k national."

The man says "I have Yellow 42"

"Bugger me" says the MC, "you've won the raffle as well".

This got the first laugh out of my teenage boys for years. Normally I tell them I have a joke for them and they raise their eyebrows and skulk off. For a few moments after telling this one they almost liked me!

You fed me, you bred me, I'll remember your name.

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eagles400 Godalming 19 Sep 13 2.14pm
A man is sitting at a bar alone and when a stranger walks in. They exchange a few pleasantries and the random man asks why he is sitting alone "you see that wall over there? The one with the perfect pointing? Beautiful isn’t it? I built that with my own hands" The random man agrees "it sure is a brilliant wall, but that doesn't answer my question?! The man continues "as you drove in to the Village, did you notice the bridge? The massive bridge with the immaculate pointing in the brickwork and the steels at the perfect angles?" A real work of art isn't it?! I built that" Again the random man agrees but still confused as to why this man is sitting alone. "Did you see the dam as you drove in off the motorway? Beautiful isn't it, because of me this village will never flood now; I built that with my own bare hands but you shag one goat………..”
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eagles400

Godalming 19 Sep 13 2.14pm

A man is sitting at a bar alone and when a stranger walks in. They exchange a few pleasantries and the random man asks why he is sitting alone "you see that wall over there? The one with the perfect pointing? Beautiful isn’t it? I built that with my own hands" The random man agrees "it sure is a brilliant wall, but that doesn't answer my question?!
The man continues "as you drove in to the Village, did you notice the bridge? The massive bridge with the immaculate pointing in the brickwork and the steels at the perfect angles?" A real work of art isn't it?! I built that" Again the random man agrees but still confused as to why this man is sitting alone.
"Did you see the dam as you drove in off the motorway? Beautiful isn't it, because of me this village will never flood now; I built that with my own bare hands but you shag one goat………..”

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Pikester Worthing 19 Sep 13 7.46pm
We call my granddad Spiderman - he hasn't got any special powers, he just has trouble getting out the bath. I nearly didn't make it to work today. My wife was heating some Alphabetti Spaghetti and it exploded. No one was hurt but it could have spelt disaster. You fed me, you bred me, I'll remember your name.
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Pikester

Worthing 19 Sep 13 7.46pm

We call my granddad Spiderman - he hasn't got any special powers, he just has trouble getting out the bath.

I nearly didn't make it to work today. My wife was heating some Alphabetti Spaghetti and it exploded.
No one was hurt but it could have spelt disaster.

You fed me, you bred me, I'll remember your name.

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Lumsdero 20 Sep 13 4.25pm
3 mums are in the queue for the cinema with their children, whilst waiting a young girl looks up at her mother and asks: Why is my name Rose, mama? Mum: because darling, when you were born a rose petal drifted from the sky and landed on your head, it seemed appropriate. Another young, inquisitive girl looks up and asks: Why is my name Lily? Mum: well, when you were born, a Lily fell from the sky and landed on your head, it was a beautiful moment. Third in line looks up at his mother and asks: WHWYFR ISIUDF VYMYJJMN NAAAMEME BRIRJKWEML DERRG? Mum: Shut up Brick
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Lumsdero

20 Sep 13 4.25pm

3 mums are in the queue for the cinema with their children, whilst waiting a young girl looks up at her mother and asks:

Why is my name Rose, mama?

Mum: because darling, when you were born a rose petal drifted from the sky and landed on your head, it seemed appropriate.

Another young, inquisitive girl looks up and asks:

Why is my name Lily?

Mum: well, when you were born, a Lily fell from the sky and landed on your head, it was a beautiful moment.

Third in line looks up at his mother and asks:

WHWYFR ISIUDF VYMYJJMN NAAAMEME BRIRJKWEML DERRG?

Mum: Shut up Brick

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Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 30 Sep 13 10.51am
Little Jimmy was having tea with his auntie. 'Now what do you do on Saturday afternoons?' she asked. 'I go to the football match,' replied the child. 'And what do you do on Sunday afternoons?' 'I go to Sunday School.' 'And which do you like best?' 'There's not much to choose between them, really,' said the boy. 'At Sunday School they tell me to stand up for Jesus' sake and at the football match they tell me to sit down for God's sake!' Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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Cannonball

High in the Ozarks. 30 Sep 13 10.51am

Little Jimmy was having tea with his auntie. 'Now what do you do on Saturday afternoons?' she asked.

'I go to the football match,' replied the child.
'And what do you do on Sunday afternoons?'
'I go to Sunday School.'
'And which do you like best?'
'There's not much to choose between them, really,' said the boy. 'At Sunday School they tell me to stand up for Jesus' sake and at the football match they tell me to sit down for God's sake!'

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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Johnny Eagles berlin 02 Oct 13 11.32pm
Why do farmers wear wellington boots? Because they don't give subsidies for shoelaces. ...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
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Johnny Eagles

berlin 02 Oct 13 11.32pm

Why do farmers wear wellington boots?

Because they don't give subsidies for shoelaces.

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

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Johnny Eagles berlin 03 Oct 13 12.57pm
I think my wife might be dead. In bed things are the same but the kitchen's in a right state! ...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
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Johnny Eagles

berlin 03 Oct 13 12.57pm

I think my wife might be dead.

In bed things are the same but the kitchen's in a right state!

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

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steviebarton Gosberton, Lincolnshire 09 Oct 13 10.12pm
A government minister said "badgers moved the goalposts" when asked why marksmen failed to reach a cull target. (BBC News). Possible way of tightening up our defence?
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steviebarton

Gosberton, Lincolnshire 09 Oct 13 10.12pm

A government minister said "badgers moved the goalposts" when asked why marksmen failed to reach a cull target. (BBC News). Possible way of tightening up our defence?

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SirPeanut Keston 09 Oct 13 11.28pm
You know those Russian dolls, I can't stand them. Really full of themselves. There are two kinds of person in this world: 1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
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SirPeanut

Keston 09 Oct 13 11.28pm

You know those Russian dolls, I can't stand them.

Really full of themselves.

There are two kinds of person in this world:
1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

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Johnny Eagles berlin 10 Oct 13 9.18am
Quote SirPeanut at 09 Oct 2013 11.28pm You know those Russian dolls, I can't stand them. Really full of themselves. ...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
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Johnny Eagles

berlin 10 Oct 13 9.18am

Quote SirPeanut at 09 Oct 2013 11.28pm

You know those Russian dolls, I can't stand them.

Really full of themselves.

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

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PA Bedfordshire 10 Oct 13 10.07pm
Have you noticed how cute petite sexy ladies all drive little sports cars. Which reminds me that the MOT is due on my wife's Transit van.
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Bedfordshire 10 Oct 13 10.07pm

Have you noticed how cute petite sexy ladies all drive little sports cars.

Which reminds me that the MOT is due on my wife's Transit van.

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suicideatselhurst crawley 14 Oct 13 2.11pm
What do you say to woman with two black eye's...Nothing you have already told her twice Theres someone in my head ... But its not me X/Box game Tag bazcpfc1961, clan (HMS)
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suicideatselhurst

crawley 14 Oct 13 2.11pm

What do you say to woman with two black eye's...Nothing you have already told her twice

Theres someone in my head ... But its not me

X/Box game Tag bazcpfc1961, clan (HMS)

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