HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and Pumice Stone. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and runs red hot. Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces and wrap self in towel the size of small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers, (if you can find them). Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting Way Hey!! Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique. Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in shower. Don't bother to look for wash cloth? Don't need one. Wash face. Wash armpits. Laugh at how loud fart sounds in shower. Wash bollocks and surrounding area. Wash arse, leaving hair on soap. Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back
curtain to see self in mirror. Piss in shower. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for
whole shower time. Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor Leave bathroom light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her. Put on yesterday's clothes.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents last week, after saying hello my dad pulled me to one side and whispered " you could have done better then that son,she's the ugliest pig I've ever seen! she must weigh 20 odd stone,covered in spots,lips like a cod,she's got a beard,she's crossed eyed, going bald,size 15 feet and she f/ucking stinks!
I said "there no need to whisper dad she's deaf as well"

Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound

Boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly

What cheese can you hide a horse with?
Mascarpone

What cheese do you coax a bear from his cave with?
Camenbert

My son is having issues at school because he likes two bags. I think he may be bi-satchel.

Yes, I've got the Tim Vine DVD too !!

I'm so Palace I don't even know it

Took my wife to a nightclub last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor moonwalking, body popping and break dancing. My wife turned to me and said "See that bloke there? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
I looked at my wife and said "Looks like he's still celebrating."

Edited by Horley Eagle (30 Nov 2012 11.05am)

Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.

After no dates for 5 years Lynn goes to see Chinese Sex Therapist, Dr Chang.

He says "Take off all your croase, get down and craw reery reery fast to otherside of room."

She does. "Ok craw reery reery fast back"

As she did Dr Chang shook his head, "Yor probrem vewy vewy bad, worst case Ed Zachary disease I ever see, dat why you get no man."

She says: "God! what's Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr Chang says "Its when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse"

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life.

There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John. Said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible"

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time for the weekend. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow and were willing to pay. The fools all tried to get in her at the same time and split her right down the middle.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial