A hotel guest calls the Front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you, sir?"

The man says, “Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately.

I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot.

The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter."

An old lady goes to the dentists and when she gets there strips off her drawers, lays on the couch and raises her knees in the air.
"I think you should know" says the dentist, "I'm not a gynaecologist"
"I know that" says the old lady "but my husband wants his teeth back".

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey.

My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that but it's also terrible.

The blonde's phonee call...

"Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at B&Q"

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

"What on earth, why did you do that?"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

What time does Sean Connery like to show up at wimbledon?

Tennish.