my dog got no nose how does he smell bloody awfull

off to my mums funeral today keen palace fan sadly missed

Sky would like to apologise to all subscribers for wrongly advertising that they could watch Rangers in 3D........They meant they could watch Rangers in D3!!

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lotto! I agreed, and they were right.
We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.

I was carrying an industrial roll of bubble wrap at work today.I asked my boss what to do with it,he said just pop it in the corner..............Took me f**king ages.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb." The operator asks, "is it tickin ?" Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

Paddy's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper". He does but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper" his wife asks. "Here Boy" he replies.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday , so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I would never visit another Thai brothel!!!

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