My missus asked for anal.

So I alphabetised her CD collection.

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first examination.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came.

A stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell give some indication of expected traffic numbers

My girlfriend went to the doctors today as she was feeling uncomfortable in her chest. After she put her blouse back on the doctor said "you have acute angina". She was a bit taken aback and felt she should respond in kind. "Thanks", she said, you aren't bad looking yourself"!!

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

My wife said that our Chinese ar5ehole neighbour had gone back to Peking. I jumped on the chance to correct her, "I think it's called Beijing, now" "All right smart ar5e...." she snapped, "...The Chinese ar5ehole neighbour has gone back to BEIJING through the window at me when I'm getting undressed"

When i see him, it's gonna be painful. Skinny little cont.

The difference between the sexes: A woman sees a skidmark in the toilet bowl and thinks "I'll get my marigolds on and scrub that off with the new cinnamon & apple blossom scented Harpic."
A guy sees the skidmark and thinks "Bet I can piss that off"

When i see him, it's gonna be painful. Skinny little cont.

Makes you wonder why you would spend time re-writing a Tim Vine joke in the first place.