My friend is going to a fancy dress party as a Rastafarian tonight.
She’s asked me to do her hair. I’m dreading it.

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks. Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar. Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey.

Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

"You're bulls***tin' me!"

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz SL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bulls***tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

What's the first sign of madness ?

Suggs walking up your garden path

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly,' Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

George was 29 and still single. All of his friends were married, but George just dated and dated.

One day Bill asked him why he wasn't married. "Don't you want to settle down? Are you holding out for the perfect woman? Are you having trouble meeting someone compatible?"

"Actually," George replied, "I've found many women I would have been happy to marry. Things always start off fine, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother never approves of them."

Bill thinks for a moment. "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mom!”

A few months later Bill ran into George again. George looked a little depressed so Bill asked how things were going. "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother approve?"

George shrugged his shoulders. "Yes, I found the perfect girl. Yes she was just like my mom. Yes, you were right, not only did my mom approve, but they became good friends.

"What's the problem then?" asked Bill. "My father can't stand her."

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!