Last Thursday, the test cricket v South Africa was rained off. On Friday it was reigned off.

Too early ?

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

A man walks into a pub, followed by an ostrich and a cat. He walks to the bar and asks for a a pint of beer. The ostrich asks for a pint of beer too, and the cat says "same as them, but I'm not paying." The bartender says "that'll be £16.50". The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £16.50. The bartender asks, "how'd you do that?" and the man explains, "The other day I found an old lamp in the basement, so I rubbed it and out comes a genie. You know, he says he'll give me three wishes, so I ask him, I wish I always had exactly enough money in my pocket that I need." The bartender was visibly impressed! "Wow!", he exclaims, "That's amazing! When I hear people saying what they'd wish for, they say something like a million pounds or a fancy car, but that... that's the first time I've heard something practical! So, what else did you wish for?" The man shrugs and says, "A bird with long legs and a tight pussy..."

Last night I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish when I went to the pub. She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

I went out with a girl with a wooden leg once. But I broke it off.

I once went out with a girl who despite having IBS was a parachutist! Unfortunately, she shat on me from a great height.

Now Zaha's got a bit of green grass ahead of him here... and finds Ambrose... not a bad effort!!!!