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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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Horley Eagle Flag Somewhere only I know 06 Oct 10 1.17pm Send a Private Message to Horley Eagle Add Horley Eagle as a friend

BBC sources say that neighbours witnessed four liverpool players playing football with a hedgehog in the street.
On eye witness said "I was going to call the RSPCA but then the hedgehog went one nil up".

 


Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.

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Hoof Hearted 06 Oct 10 4.08pm

My mrs phoned earlier to say that that nice man Gavin from Autoglass had put his special resin in her crack.

I'm not normally suspicious but I've got the car today.

 

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Hoof Hearted 06 Oct 10 4.11pm

Quote Catfish at 23 Aug 2010 8.32pm

Quote Deleagle at 23 Aug 2010 4.01pm

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."
The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?"
The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the Prime Minister."


That was going so well until the final paragraph. Perhaps we should have a competetion to think of a funny punchline.

Heard it years ago, and was amused to see it resurface again. It might work better if the last line was "... and the other thinks he's the President of USA."

 

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Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 07 Oct 10 8.43am Send a Private Message to Johnny Eagles Add Johnny Eagles as a friend

Man gets home and says to his wife, "What's that smell?"

"I can't smell anything?" she replies.

"Exactly, nor can I - get the f*cking cooker on!"

 


...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

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Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 07 Oct 10 8.50am Send a Private Message to Johnny Eagles Add Johnny Eagles as a friend

Old MacDonald had... dyslexia... Q-P-R-Y-Z

 


...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

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dpfinnie 07 Oct 10 8.59am

Quote Eaglesnut at 27 Aug 2010 8.43pm

A female reporter was interviewing an Irish farmer about mad cow disease. The farmer said 'Bulls only mate once a year you know' to which the female reporter replied 'That's interesting I did not know that'. 'Cows are milked twice a day you know' said the farmer. 'Very interesting' said the female reporter 'but how does that effect Mad Cow Disease'. 'I'm coming to that' said the farmer 'Look if I played with your tits twice a day but only screwed you once a year how would you feel?'

Brilliant!


 


Haven't I seen you on the radio?

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dpfinnie 07 Oct 10 5.10pm

Here's a few I got from my brother. Apologies if they've already been posted.

I had a German plumber round the other day to fix my shower. He accidentally connected it to the gas main. I guess old habits die hard.
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What do you call an unemployed jester?
Nobody's fool.
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Muslim terrorists are now thinking twice about blowing themselves up with the promise of 72 virgins in paradise.
Apparently they got a look at Susan Boyle and were horrified to see what a virgin really looks like.
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I never felt any emotion over the death of Michael Jackson.
I guess he never touched me as a child.
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A Scottish paedophile has lodged a dispute with Ebay. He claims that the wii Gameboy he received wasn't what he was expecting.
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Got home from the pub last night only to discover a dead cat in the washing machine.
At least he passed away in comfort.
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Man: Doctor doctor, I have a punnet of strawberries up my bottom.
Doctor: That's lucky, I have some cream for that.
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How many crime writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but there will have to be a real twist at the end.

 


Haven't I seen you on the radio?

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lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 09 Oct 10 1.22pm Send a Private Message to lanzarote ron Add lanzarote ron as a friend

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About eight pints.

 


When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

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Hoof Hearted 12 Oct 10 3.02pm

" Right lads.... you know the rules when we get up top...what happened in the mine....STAYS in the mine!"

 

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aus9+1 Flag 12 Oct 10 7.28pm Send a Private Message to aus9+1 Add aus9+1 as a friend

Tony Blair - A Journey - extract

‘I had regularly started jogging out of Downing Street . On each run I happened to jog past a hooker standing
on the same street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension I would brace myself as I approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty quid!" she would shout from the kerb.

"No way, 50p!" I fired back..

This ritual between myself and the hooker continued for days.

I'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty quid!"

And I'd yell back "50p!"

One day however Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany me on my jog.

As we jogged nearer the problematic street corner, I realised the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what I'd really been doing on all my past outings.

I realised I’d need to have a damn good explanation for my illustrious lawyer wife.

As we jogged into the turn that would take us past the corner, I became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker.

I tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair of us jog past.

Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled,

"See what you get for 50p?"

 

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bigdirtydave Flag london 13 Oct 10 11.05am Send a Private Message to bigdirtydave Add bigdirtydave as a friend

I see on the tv they are now bringing up the chilean miners... juan by juan

 

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whyteleafe eagle Flag croydon 13 Oct 10 2.14pm Send a Private Message to whyteleafe eagle Add whyteleafe eagle as a friend

whats the difference beetween a ginger fanny and a cricket ball ?
if you try hard and i mean really hard you can eat a cricket ball.

 

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