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I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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BlueJay Flag UK 11 Apr 22 11.13am

Popping this here as I was half way through collating it already and now it has no home . No commentary though, it's just a jokes thread.


Some literary insults:

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” Oscar Wilde

“A walk through the depths of that man’s soul would hardly wet the ankles of one’s feet.”

“She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when".”

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde.

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.." - Mae West.

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912).

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder.

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." – Groucho

 
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Nicholas91 Flag The Democratic Republic of Kent 11 Apr 22 2.15pm Send a Private Message to Nicholas91 Add Nicholas91 as a friend

Can get a bit too high brow this thread, so...

I rang that new 'Rape helpline' the other day.

Apparently though, it's only for victims.

 

Now Zaha's got a bit of green grass ahead of him here... and finds Ambrose... not a bad effort!!!!
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doi209 Flag Fighting for the weak and innocent... 24 Apr 22 5.32pm Send a Private Message to doi209 Add doi209 as a friend

A bit late for Easter but...

According to the Bible, Jesus turned water into red and white wine. He did rose from the dead.

 
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Zimeagle Flag Harare 13 May 22 12.46pm Send a Private Message to Zimeagle Add Zimeagle as a friend

Sir Les Patterson being less outrageous than usual.

Attachment: VID-20220427-WA0002.mp4 (9,135.38Kb)

 
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The Dolphin Flag 13 May 22 4.47pm Send a Private Message to The Dolphin Add The Dolphin as a friend

One of the best that video.
I still laugh every time!

 
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mr. apollo Flag Somewhere in Switzerland 31 May 22 9.59am Send a Private Message to mr. apollo Add mr. apollo as a friend

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

 


Glad

All

Over
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mr. apollo Flag Somewhere in Switzerland 31 May 22 10.01am Send a Private Message to mr. apollo Add mr. apollo as a friend

My boss said to me, “you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”

 


Glad

All

Over
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HeathMan Flag Purley 31 May 22 10.25pm Send a Private Message to HeathMan Holmesdale Online Elite Member Add HeathMan as a friend

Bloke goes into a pub and is startled to see £50,000.00 behind the bar.

He asks some questions and is told the money could be his after putting down £10.00 and completing three challenges. He asks and is told the challenges:-
Drink a bottle of vodka in one go without being sick.
There is a dog with a bad tooth outside - extract the tooth
Upstairs is a lady, aged 90, who is a virgin - take her virginity

He is not sure about the challenges and walks away.

He returns and puts down his £10.00.
He succeeds with the vodka.
He goes outside. The dog has been barking unhappily, and growls as well as barking. The growling and barking stop, after which the bloke returns to the bar, his shirt covered in blood, and says "Where is the lady with the bad tooth?"

 
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BlueJay Flag UK 11 Jun 22 8.22pm

I used to love tractors, now I don’t. You could say I’m an ex-tractor fan

 
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monkey Flag Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 20 Jun 22 6.50pm Send a Private Message to monkey Add monkey as a friend

Gloria Gaynor invited six people round for dinner but one didn’t turn up.

“That’s OK” she told her guests, “I will serve five…”.

 
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silvertop Flag Portishead 21 Jun 22 11.05am Send a Private Message to silvertop Add silvertop as a friend

Nurse, I cant feel my legs.

That's because we've amputated your arms.

 
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Palace Old Geezer Flag Midhurst 21 Jun 22 12.29pm Send a Private Message to Palace Old Geezer Add Palace Old Geezer as a friend

Saw the following in The Times this morning. Made me chuckle.

'As Boris Johnson recovers from an operation on his nose yesterday,he will for once have something in common with the RMT.
They've both been instructed not to picket'.

 

Dad and I watched games standing on the muddy slope of the Holmesdale Road end. He cheered and I rattled.
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