On my first day as a delivery driver for Mr Kipling I had to do an emergency stop!

Fortunately the lorry had exceedingly good brakes..

One of Barry Cryer's best, apparently.

A woman walks past a petshop and sees a magnificent parrot in the window.

She rushes inside and says, 'How much for the parrot?'

'£5,' says the shopkeeper.

'Only £5? I've got to have it,' says the woman. 'Why's it so cheap?'

'Well, I must confess, it was brought up in a brothel,' said the shopkeeper. 'And, to put it politely, it has quite an extensive vocabulary.'

'Never mind,' says the woman. 'At that price, I'll take it.'

So she takes the parrot home, puts its cage in the living room and takes the cover off.

'New place - very nice,' says the parrot.

Then the woman's two daughters walk in.

'New place, new girls - very nice,' says the parrot.

Then the woman's husband walks in, and the parrot says, 'Oh hello, Keith!'

I disengage, I turn the page.

Very funny FH. What a genius Barry Crier was. This reminds me of a story my dear old Dad would come out with on a fairly regular basis. He couldn't tell it without chuckling himself.

Bloke goes into a Pet Shop and asks the salesman for a budgerigar that could whistle and sing well to keep him company.
Salesman offers him a bird that's singing it's little heart out, so he pays up and takes it home.
After a while the customer notices that his bird is hopping and standing on only one leg so he takes it back to the shop to complain.
'Ere, this bird has a gammy leg!' he grumbled
'You said you wanted a singer not a dancer!'

Dad and I watched games standing on the muddy slope of the Holmesdale Road end. He cheered and I rattled.

I bought a wig made from bum hair yesterday. It was useless - it kept blowing off.

I was sitting in the pub last night. A girl on the next table sneezed, and her glass eye flew out. I caught it and gave it back to her.
We got chatting, and we got on well. Later on she took me back to her place and we made passionate love to each other.
I said “Do you often shag guys within hours of meeting them?”
“No,” she said, “Only the ones that catch my eye.”

The old ones are the best