Why is a pint of Guinness like a priest?

Well they both have white collars, black vestments and God help your arse if you get a bad one!

I know you are but what am I?

A priest walks into an off-licence and asks for a bottle of vodka and condoms. Just then the door opens and 7 year old girl yells at him: ' and don't forget the cigarettes this time'.

I know you are but what am I?

A man walks into a bar and notices beef stuck to the ceiling. Confused he asks the barman "What the hell are they up there for"
"Well" The barman replies "If you can do a standing jump and pull them down you get the rest of the night paid for"
"And if I fail the man says"
"Well then you have to buy the entire pub a round"
The man thinks for a while and speaks to the barman again.
"You going to try it?"
"Nah not this time.... The steaks are too high"

A girl goes to confess to her priest. "I'm pregnant", she tells him.

"On no, how did that happen ?" he asks.

"I think it's the second coming" says the girl.

The priest is amazed and asks how she can be sure.

"because I swallowed the first one" she says.

A boat of terrapins and a boat of tortoises collided in the middle of the sea...

It was a turtle disaster

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't
stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, 'I have a question to ask but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.. When you're as old as I am and
have been a nun as long as I have, you get to see and hear just about
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would
find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1, you have to be single and

2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.

"They got his own song 'He's just too good for you', it's quite unbelievable but when you see it and he's facing up someone - I actually feel sorry for them, 'Cos he actually is" - Ian Holloway