I'm not speaking as a layman but I wouldn't have thought that defecating directly into the freezer is a particularly good idea. You forget that most human waste products are not body temperature but bowel temperature which is considerably hotter - I think you'd run the risk of knackering the thermostat.

Remember also that many celebrities don't actually digest their food (that's for plebs like us) which could mean that the freshly produced Richard is oven temperature. It's well documented that when Coleen Rooney eats a Moussaka, the jobby exits with the cheese still bubbling.

Fecal matter made from undigested food is notoriously difficult to freeze into a phallic shape though so I doubt Lisa has this problem. Unless she uses someone else's turd to w*nk herself off with. Which would be a bit disgusting.

Surely you could take a splasher though Morgs and set it in those individual ice cube trays so rather than one big log you have 12 cocktail size poo-cubes ??

A fantastic idea. I heard that Jan Leeming used to shove six or seven of these 'poobes' up her v***** and then repeatedly flex her sphincter, often while reading the news. On the night Princess Diana died, the news was extended and the poobes melted, leaking sh*t all over her chair, but Jan's facial expression never changed.

Does anyone know a turd's freezing temperature? And how long it takes to freeze? I'd say it was a while, especially if you shat straight into the freezer, something I believe Steve Harrison is fond of doing.

Say Steve is perched on top of a kitchen cupboard, directly above his freezer, facing the wall with his bum hanging out, then his turd starts off at body temperature, then enters room temperature as it leaves his rectum, before hitting the ice cabinet.

He needs to jump down and close the door as soon as possible of course to give it any chance of freezing. It also ideally needs to already be in 'log form', as a 'splasher' would normally be a 'hot one' and take even longer to freeze.