When I as young, I tried to get into get into a posh nightclub up town. When I reached the front of the waiting queue, the bouncer said " No tie, no entry, mate" This was annoying as my friends had all got in.
The only thing I had in my car was some jump leads.
I tied the jump leads in a bow around my neck and tried again to get in again.
The bouncer was unsure but said,
" OK you can go in, but don't start anything"

"Doctor, my stomach's getting rather large."
"Then you need to diet."
"Really? What colour?"

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Follow the fresh prints.

Why change a winning formula!

Five surgeons are discussing who the best patients are to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside them is numbered."
The second responded, "You should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon said, "I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimed in, "You know, I like construction workers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over in the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up with this observation, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and the head and butt are interchangeable."

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"