I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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Elis Ashley Motspur Park 23 Dec 18 6.49pm
Originally posted by Elis Ashley Irish historians have made an important discovery, they've found evidence of the oldest person ever to live. He was 162 and was called Miles from Dublin. Winning isn't everything. Without the defeats we would not value the victories. Still, it's a shame we can't play Chelsea every week.
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Elis Ashley

Motspur Park 23 Dec 18 6.49pm

Originally posted by Elis Ashley

Irish historians have made an important discovery, they've found evidence of the oldest person ever to live. He was 162 and was called Miles from Dublin.

Winning isn't everything. Without the defeats we would not value the victories. Still, it's a shame we can't play Chelsea every week.

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Elis Ashley Motspur Park 24 Dec 18 3.49pm
My Horoscope for yesterday said that my Ex would pop up. I spent the whole day by the river and thankfully she didn't. Edited by Elis Ashley (24 Dec 2018 3.49pm) Winning isn't everything. Without the defeats we would not value the victories. Still, it's a shame we can't play Chelsea every week.
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Elis Ashley

Motspur Park 24 Dec 18 3.49pm

My Horoscope for yesterday said that my Ex would pop up.
I spent the whole day by the river and thankfully she didn't.

Edited by Elis Ashley (24 Dec 2018 3.49pm)

Winning isn't everything. Without the defeats we would not value the victories. Still, it's a shame we can't play Chelsea every week.

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chateauferret 24 Dec 18 10.51pm
Bloke goes into a bar where a talented musician is playing the piano. He plays a brilliant piece and then when the applause dies down he stands up and says, "Thank you very much. That was called, 'S**ging up the back a the bus'. I'm now going to play a piece I've written called 'Stick yer hand up yer rse and fart'.". After another five minutes of music he stands up and says that he will be back in five minutes, so our friend goes to the Gents'. On the way in he meets the pianist coming out, and notices that he has his clothing in shall we say some disorder. So he says, "Do you know yer tadger's hanging oot and drippin oan yer shoes?" The pianist replies, "Aye, a course. Ah wrote that last year". Edited by chateauferret (24 Dec 2018 10.51pm) ============ The Ferret ============
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chateauferret

24 Dec 18 10.51pm

Bloke goes into a bar where a talented musician is playing the piano.

He plays a brilliant piece and then when the applause dies down he stands up and says, "Thank you very much. That was called, 'S***ging up the back a the bus'. I'm now going to play a piece I've written called 'Stick yer hand up yer *rse and fart'.".

After another five minutes of music he stands up and says that he will be back in five minutes, so our friend goes to the Gents'.

On the way in he meets the pianist coming out, and notices that he has his clothing in shall we say some disorder. So he says, "Do you know yer tadger's hanging oot and drippin oan yer shoes?"

The pianist replies, "Aye, a course. Ah wrote that last year".

Edited by chateauferret (24 Dec 2018 10.51pm)

============
The Ferret
============

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HeathMan Purley 25 Dec 18 12.13am
Gentleman has been making great progress with a lady. He feels that a sharing of events in their past lives will help their progress. She listens as he tells her about his school, career so far, and future hopes. He notices that she seems to be getting nervous, and asks her not to be afraid to share her skeletons. She seems to prepare herself, before saying that she used to be a hooker. He is willing to accept her past and tells her that her having been a hooker is not a problem for him. He is taken aback when she says that her time as a hooker was with Wigan.
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HeathMan

Purley 25 Dec 18 12.13am

Gentleman has been making great progress with a lady.

He feels that a sharing of events in their past lives will help their progress.

She listens as he tells her about his school, career so far, and future hopes.

He notices that she seems to be getting nervous, and asks her not to be afraid to share her skeletons.

She seems to prepare herself, before saying that she used to be a hooker. He is willing to accept her past and tells her that her having been a hooker is not a problem for him.

He is taken aback when she says that her time as a hooker was with Wigan.

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Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 27 Dec 18 11.49pm
I see Ireland has brought in a new law to legalize abortion...just 59 years too late to stop Bono. Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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Cannonball

High in the Ozarks. 27 Dec 18 11.49pm

I see Ireland has brought in a new law to legalize abortion...just 59 years too late to stop Bono.

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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mr. apollo Somewhere in Switzerland 28 Jan 19 9.11am
One snowman to another snowman "Is it just me or can you smell carrot?" Glad All Over
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mr. apollo

Somewhere in Switzerland 28 Jan 19 9.11am

One snowman to another snowman "Is it just me or can you smell carrot?"

Glad

All

Over

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Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 05 Feb 19 11.45pm
G German tourist arrives at the Polish border. "Passport please" says the border guard,the german hands it over. "Name please" says the guard "Hans Shultz" replies the german. "Occupation ?" says the guard, "No,just visiting" says the german. Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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Cannonball

High in the Ozarks. 05 Feb 19 11.45pm

G German tourist arrives at the Polish border. "Passport please" says the border guard,the german hands it over.
"Name please" says the guard "Hans Shultz" replies the german. "Occupation ?" says the guard, "No,just visiting" says the german.

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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BudgiesBeak London 18 Feb 19 10.18pm
"Excuse me, waiter, this soup is cold." "It's gazpacho, sir." "Excuse me, Gazpacho, this soup is cold."
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BudgiesBeak

London 18 Feb 19 10.18pm

"Excuse me, waiter, this soup is cold."
"It's gazpacho, sir."
"Excuse me, Gazpacho, this soup is cold."

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Badger11 Beckenham 19 Feb 19 2.31pm
Palace fan sees a Brighton fan walking towards him carrying a baby goat. Palace: Hey where do you think you're going with that pig? Brighton: Its a goat moron. Palace: I wasn't talking to you. One more point
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Badger11

Beckenham 19 Feb 19 2.31pm

Palace fan sees a Brighton fan walking towards him carrying a baby goat.

Palace: Hey where do you think you're going with that pig?

Brighton: Its a goat moron.

Palace: I wasn't talking to you.

One more point

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Zimeagle Harare 03 Mar 19 1.41pm
A horse goes into a pub for a few drinks and gets chatting to a donkey. The donkey asks what the horse does and he says " I used to be a racehorse; won the 2000 guineas, The Derby, Kentucky Derby and Prix de l'arc de triomphe. They have a few drinks and the donkey invites the horse to his house the next Friday. After he's sobered up the donkey thinks blimey, that horse has done so much, he's not going to be impressed with me. Anyway, Friday comes and the horse arrives. The donkey shows him to the living room and there's a big picture of a Zebra on the wall. " What's that? " says the horse. "Oh, that's when I played for Juventus"
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Zimeagle

Harare 03 Mar 19 1.41pm

A horse goes into a pub for a few drinks and gets chatting to a donkey.
The donkey asks what the horse does and he says " I used to be a racehorse; won the 2000 guineas, The Derby, Kentucky Derby and Prix de l'arc de triomphe.
They have a few drinks and the donkey invites the horse to his house the next Friday.
After he's sobered up the donkey thinks blimey, that horse has done so much, he's not going to be impressed with me.
Anyway, Friday comes and the horse arrives. The donkey shows him to the living room and there's a big picture of a Zebra on the wall. " What's that? " says the horse. "Oh, that's when I played for Juventus"

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Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 03 Mar 19 7.39pm
A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Liverpool - The Glory Years". He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper. "That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear?" "Well its a tenner for the video and £90 for the Betamax recorder! Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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Cannonball

High in the Ozarks. 03 Mar 19 7.39pm

A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Liverpool - The Glory Years". He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper. "That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear?" "Well its a tenner for the video and £90 for the Betamax recorder!

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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Zimeagle Harare 04 Mar 19 2.21pm
A prostitute told me I could have sex with her for the reduced price of £10 as she didn't have a womb. Intrigued, I asked how we would do it? She replied "acwoss the woad , against those wailings".
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Zimeagle

Harare 04 Mar 19 2.21pm

A prostitute told me I could have sex with her for the reduced price of £10 as she didn't have a womb.
Intrigued, I asked how we would do it?
She replied "acwoss the woad , against those wailings".

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