She was only the fishmongers daughter
But she laid on the slab and said fillet

I've got a weird story. Must have been around 2008-2009 I went out with a housemate of my cousin who lived in Streatham. She was something of a wannabe London socialite in terms of lifestyle, constantly out partying and doing massive amounts of coke.

Unfortunately I was an impoverished student at the time and knew it couldn't last as I simply didn't have the money to keep up with her lifestyle. It was drawing to a close when we had an argument because I refused to go to 'Torture Garden', a bondage club, for my birthday.

With things clearly running their course, she offered me a threesome and I thought I might as well. The deal was that if we had one with her female Spanish friend, who I quite fancied, we would then have one with a bloke of her choosing afterwards.

True to her word, the Spaniard comes home with us after a night out and, although there were highlights, overall it was more uncomfortable than anything. However, any feelings of awkwardness were partially mitigated by the booze.

With that out of the way, a couple of weeks later she invites this bloke round on a Sunday afternoon when she had a free house. Although I'm gradually becoming a fat b****** now, at the time I was playing a lot of sport at a semi-decent level so was in top shape. However, I looked like Napoleon Dynamite in comparison to the Dwayne Johnson-esque unit that shows up to plough my girlfriend and I immediately knew I was in for a bad afternoon.

The next hour was spent with me, completely sober, trying not to cry whilst watching this beast go to town on my girlfriend who was clearly enjoying herself. If you've ever watched the episide of Peep Show where Jeremy has the threesome in the lake house, it was similar.

When the ordeal was finally over, I assumed that like the Spanish friend, this guy would simple leave but instead he outrageously asks if we fancy a couple of drinks and going to the cinema. So, somehow, off we go.

A couple of horrible hours later the three of us are sat in the back row of Slumdog Millionaire and her hands creep into my trousers. Having played a minimal part in proceedings earlier I though 'sod it' and didn't stop her. That was until I looked over and she was, I swear to God, w***ing him off as well.

Suffice to say that a double hand job in a Danny Boyle film proved to be my limit and I walked out and went home. We broke up the next day. To this day I can't watch Slumdog Millionaire without thinking about handjobs, which is an odd reflex to a film about Indian orphans.

We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold...

CP, id steel yourself for an influx of PMs.

Kids,tired of being bothered by your pesky parents?
Then leave home, get a job & pay your own bills, while you still know everything.

works in my house

Kids,tired of being bothered by your pesky parents?
Then leave home, get a job & pay your own bills, while you still know everything.

I'm sorry about that mate - didn't want to show you up.

Red and Blue Army!

I was at a bit of a wild bar in Miri (Sarawak) when an attractive young woman approached me. We chatted a bit but then another young lady started chatting to me and we realised we knew each other from work

So my mate starts chatting to the first young lady. He was a great big hairy ars*d oil rig bloke. So I’m propping up the bar and another expat comes up and says ‘see that girl with your mate, she’s a Billy Boy’.

I told another mate and said I wasn’t going to tell the rigger for a while as a laugh. He wasn’t having that and tells the guy.

The young lady then gets angry with me, deciding I passed the info. She insists she is a girl. I just laughed and said I believed her.

She gets more wound up and, out of the blue, fishes out a t*t. I am now roaring with laughter.

Later she went to the ladies and when she came back told me she could prove she was a woman. She grabbed my hand and shoved it down the front of her trousers. Well, frankly it didn’t make contact with anything which was a relief.

As the night wore on I was engrossed with lady number two and lost the thread with the rigger. I was told by someone afterwards that she was indeed a Billy Boy but it was a bit too late when the rigger found out and he just thought ‘what the hell’.

The other lady was high born from an inland tribe and now is a keen golfer in Milton Keynes.