I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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Cucking Funt Clapham on the Back 06 Sep 18 9.54pm
Originally posted by chateauferret What do you call two accordions in a skip? A start. Heard that a few years back but it wasn’t accordions. Wife beating may be socially acceptable in Sheffield, but it is a different matter in Cheltenham
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Cucking Funt

Clapham on the Back 06 Sep 18 9.54pm

Originally posted by chateauferret

What do you call two accordions in a skip?

A start.

Heard that a few years back but it wasn’t accordions.

Wife beating may be socially acceptable in Sheffield, but it is a different matter in Cheltenham

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ex hibitionist Hastings 07 Sep 18 12.03am
chap goes into a baker's and says: "why do all those cakes cost 50p and that one there costs £1." And the bloke behind the counter says: "that's Madeira cake".
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ex hibitionist

Hastings 07 Sep 18 12.03am

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chap goes into a baker's and says: "why do all those cakes cost 50p and that one there costs £1." And the bloke behind the counter says: "that's Madeira cake".

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chris123 hove actually 07 Sep 18 9.43am
Originally posted by Cucking Funt Heard that a few years back but it wasn’t accordions. Not the perfect pitch joke?
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chris123

hove actually 07 Sep 18 9.43am

Originally posted by Cucking Funt

Heard that a few years back but it wasn’t accordions.

Not the perfect pitch joke?

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BudgiesBeak London 09 Sep 18 8.45pm
A mother-in-law looked at her son's new born baby son for the first time, then walked over to her daughter in law and said "I don't want to be rude, but he looks nothing like my son". She lifted up her skirt and replied "I don't want to be rude either, but this is a fanny, not a f****** photocopier!"
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BudgiesBeak

London 09 Sep 18 8.45pm

A mother-in-law looked at her son's new born baby son for the first time, then walked over to her daughter in law and said "I don't want to be rude, but he looks nothing like my son".
She lifted up her skirt and replied "I don't want to be rude either, but this is a fanny, not a f****** photocopier!"

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chateauferret 13 Sep 18 6.43pm
A penguin goes into the Mace [chain of convenience stores in Scotland]. "Got ony penguin food?" "Naw, Ah havnae". Next day, the penguin goes into the Mace. "Got ony penguin food?" "Ah telt ye yesterday Ah havnae got penguin food, orright?" Next day, penguin goes into the Mace. "Got ony penguin food?" "Look, pal, ye're pure gettin up ma nose the noo. See if ye come in here again an ask fur penguin food, Ah'm pure gauny nail yer feet tae the flair." Next day, penguin goes into the Mace. "Got ony nails?" "Naw, Ah havnae". "Good. Got ony penguin food?" ============ The Ferret ============
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chateauferret

13 Sep 18 6.43pm

A penguin goes into the Mace [chain of convenience stores in Scotland].

"Got ony penguin food?"

"Naw, Ah havnae".

Next day, the penguin goes into the Mace.

"Got ony penguin food?"

"Ah telt ye yesterday Ah havnae got penguin food, orright?"

Next day, penguin goes into the Mace.

"Got ony penguin food?"

"Look, pal, ye're pure gettin up ma nose the noo. See if ye come in here again an ask fur penguin food, Ah'm pure gauny nail yer feet tae the flair."

Next day, penguin goes into the Mace.

"Got ony nails?"

"Naw, Ah havnae".

"Good. Got ony penguin food?"

============
The Ferret
============

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monkey Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 20 Sep 18 6.07pm
My boss said to me “you’re the worst train driver I’ve ever seen, how many have you de-railed now?” I said “I don’t know, it’s hard to keep track”
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monkey

Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 20 Sep 18 6.07pm

My boss said to me “you’re the worst train driver I’ve ever seen, how many have you de-railed now?”

I said “I don’t know, it’s hard to keep track”

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johnno42000 28 Sep 18 1.46pm
After a particularly wild company Christmas party, the vice president woke up with a terrible hangover. He turned over and groaned to his wife, "what in the hell happened last night?" "As usual, you made a fool of yourself in from of the chairman of the board." "Piss on him," the man answered. "You did," she said. "And he fired you." "Fck him," the man replied. "I did. You go back to work on Monday." ---------------------------------------------------------------- Mickey Mouse stood in divorce court, waiting for the judge's verdict. "Mickey Mouse," commanded the judge, "I cannot grant you a divorce on the grounds of Minnie Mouse's mental incompetence as I find her to be mentally competent." "But, your honour, I didn't say Minnie was mad. I said she was fcking Goofy." 'Lies to the masses as are like fly's to mollasses...they want more and more and more'
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johnno42000

28 Sep 18 1.46pm

After a particularly wild company Christmas party, the vice president woke up with a terrible hangover. He turned over and groaned to his wife, "what in the hell happened last night?"
"As usual, you made a fool of yourself in from of the chairman of the board."
"Piss on him," the man answered.
"You did," she said. "And he fired you."
"F*ck him," the man replied.
"I did. You go back to work on Monday."

----------------------------------------------------------------

Mickey Mouse stood in divorce court, waiting for the judge's verdict.

"Mickey Mouse," commanded the judge, "I cannot grant you a divorce on the grounds of Minnie Mouse's mental incompetence as I find her to be mentally competent."

"But, your honour, I didn't say Minnie was mad. I said she was f*cking Goofy."

'Lies to the masses as are like fly's to mollasses...they want more and more and more'

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BudgiesBeak London 14 Oct 18 12.52pm
Last night I tried to book a hotel room in Scotland. The receptionist asked "Would you like a tartan room?" "No", I replied, "I'll just have the room, thanks."
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BudgiesBeak

London 14 Oct 18 12.52pm

Last night I tried to book a hotel room in Scotland. The receptionist asked "Would you like a tartan room?"
"No", I replied, "I'll just have the room, thanks."

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monkey Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 27 Oct 18 2.56pm
I met a girl at a party last night. I said “you remind me of my little toe” She said “Small and petite?” “No, I’ll probably bang you later on the table when I’m pissed”
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monkey

Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 27 Oct 18 2.56pm

I met a girl at a party last night. I said “you remind me of my little toe”

She said “Small and petite?”

“No, I’ll probably bang you later on the table when I’m pissed”

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Badger11 Beckenham 27 Oct 18 3.11pm
As the Magna Carta is in the news, well any excuse to repeat this from Hancock's half hour Hancock: Does Magna Carta mean nothing to you? Did she die in vain? That brave Hungarian peasant girl who forced King John to sign the pledge at Runnymede and close the boozers at half past ten? Is all this to be forgotten? One more point
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Badger11

Beckenham 27 Oct 18 3.11pm

As the Magna Carta is in the news, well any excuse to repeat this from Hancock's half hour

Hancock: Does Magna Carta mean nothing to you? Did she die in vain? That brave Hungarian peasant girl who forced King John to sign the pledge at Runnymede and close the boozers at half past ten? Is all this to be forgotten?

One more point

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Badger11 Beckenham 27 Oct 18 3.13pm
And one more Hancock classic from the Blood Donor. Hanock has just had his finger pricked for the iron test: Doctor: Where are you going? Hancock: To have my tea and biscuits. Doctor: I thought you came here to give some of your blood! Hancock: You've just had it. Doctor: But this is just a smear! Hancock: It may be just a smear to you, mate, but it's life and death to some poor wretch! One more point
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Badger11

Beckenham 27 Oct 18 3.13pm

And one more Hancock classic from the Blood Donor. Hanock has just had his finger pricked for the iron test:

Doctor: Where are you going?
Hancock: To have my tea and biscuits.
Doctor: I thought you came here to give some of your blood!
Hancock: You've just had it.
Doctor: But this is just a smear!
Hancock: It may be just a smear to you, mate, but it's life and death to some poor wretch!

One more point

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monkey Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 11 Nov 18 5.04pm
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." ———————————————————————————— A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened. The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks. "Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."
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monkey

Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 11 Nov 18 5.04pm

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

————————————————————————————
A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened. The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks. "Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."

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