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I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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Mr. Talons Flag Southampton 20 Dec 16 5.23pm Send a Private Message to Mr. Talons Add Mr. Talons as a friend

Have you been on that dark web?

I couldn't see a thing.

 
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Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 11 Jan 17 8.59pm Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend

Today I asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was.

She said "f+ck you"
So I'm pretty excited about 2017.

 

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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monkey Flag Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 28 Jan 17 6.48am Send a Private Message to monkey Add monkey as a friend

What do you call a Judge with no thumbs?

Justice Fingers

 
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Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 30 Jan 17 12.21am Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend



"Ten Commandments".

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honour thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'

There! That should upset just about everybody!!....





 

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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HeathMan Flag Purley 03 Feb 17 12.29am Send a Private Message to HeathMan Holmesdale Online Elite Member Add HeathMan as a friend

LEMON SQUEEZER
At a local bar in Tamworth
The owner & bartender, was so sure that he was
the strongest man around, that he offered a
Standing £1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.

Many people had tried, over the years:
weightlifters, longshoremen, football players etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar,
wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.
He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar.

After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a meek voice:
"I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter in the pub had died down, the bartender
grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it.....
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.

The Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....
as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....
and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his £1000, and then asked little man:
"Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little fellow quietly replied:
no "I work for British Tax Office".



 
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Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 05 Feb 17 7.55pm Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend

A young woman walks into a Chartered accountant’s office and tells him that
she needs to file her tax Returns.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few
questions.”
He gets her name, address etc.
And then asks,”What’s your occupation?”

“I’m a prostitute,” she says.
The accountant is taken aback and says, “That's too gross. Let’s try to
re-phrase that."

The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.

“No, that still won’t work. Need something more acceptable."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite poultry
farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does poultry farming have to do, with being a
prostitute?”

“Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”

Chartered Acct :“ Brilliant !!! Poultry Farmer it is!!!
and agricultural income is tax free.

 

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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The Dolphin Flag 13 Feb 17 6.20pm Send a Private Message to The Dolphin Add The Dolphin as a friend

A Jewish Boy comes from School one day and excitedly tells his Dad that he has got a part in the School play.
His Dad is delighted and asks him what part he has got.
The Boy says "I play the Jewish Husband".
The Dad says "Don't worry Son - next time you will get a speaking part"!

 
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lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 18 Feb 17 6.08pm Send a Private Message to lanzarote ron Add lanzarote ron as a friend

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million and I think she could be right."Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!You've just made my day. 
Now I know I can handle the bad news.
What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you shagging your secretary." 
 

 

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.
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Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 02 Mar 17 11.25am Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend

Q: How do you keep a Brighton fan from masterbating?
A: You paint the Palace logo on his dick and he won't beat it for years!

 

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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HeathMan Flag Purley 11 Mar 17 3.29pm Send a Private Message to HeathMan Holmesdale Online Elite Member Add HeathMan as a friend

Brains for sale

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the
waiting room, where their family member lay
gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said
as he surveyed the worried faces.

'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed
the news. After a great length of time, someone
asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, ' £ 5,000 for
a male brain, and £200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the
roo m tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some
actually smirked. A man unable to control
his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask,

'Why is the male brain so much more?'
;
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence
and explained to the entire group,
'It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the
female brains, because they've actually been used.'


SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT

 
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Therealeaglestilidie Flag 11 Mar 17 3.39pm Send a Private Message to Therealeaglestilidie Add Therealeaglestilidie as a friend

A man goes up to the gates of heaven and before he will let him in st peter asks the man if he has ever done anything wrong in his life.

The man explains that he was a referee and that he had been refereeing at Millwall and had given a penalty to the other side when he knew it wasn't really a penalty.

st peter asks "when was this" ? and the man replies "about 10 minutes ago"

 

I'm so Palace I don't even know it
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Michaelawt85 Flag Bexley 13 Mar 17 2.49pm Send a Private Message to Michaelawt85 Add Michaelawt85 as a friend

Jose Mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal when he finally retires and never be seen or heard from again.

The McCanns have offered to help.

 

When I was a young girl my Mother said to me.. You listen here kid you're CPFC
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