So what? Its another form of merchandising. You don't like them? Don't buy one. They will probably be out of fashion in a season or two. Blimey who remembers rattles!!

I had no idea how much vitriol there was towards the half and half scarf and innocently purchased a 50:50 Crystal Palace - Charlton Athletic scarf in 1992.

As I walked home from the ground I was hit by not just one car, but two. Not making the connection I brushed myself off and continued to make my way to Selhurst Station. When I arrived every single train said "Cancelled" so I had to take on a 30 minute walk to East Croydon station with my bruised legs from the car crash.

As I traversed Sydenham Road, a large pigeon sh*t landed upon my shoulder. At first I thought it was pigeon sh*t anyway but then looked up at a 1st floor window where a pair of human buttocks were stationed. Doing my best to wipe off the muck with the smallest of tissues that I had about my person, I then continued on my walk.

I arrived at East Croydon to find that my wallet had been stolen which had all my money and train ticket in it. Not wanting to be beaten I hurdled the barriers and legged it onto a train which was standing room only.

When I finally got home I found my front door wouldn't open properly. Putting all my shoulder into it, I finally got it to move and instantly realised the dragging sound was the sound of my dog's dead body scuffing along the doormat and onto the carpet. My poor dog, I was in tears. I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water and noticed a note on the side in my wife's beautiful handwriting. Perhaps a ray of light on such a dark day. "Dear James", it read, "I am leaving you, your tiny genitals no longer please me and in fact I have been admiring the downstairs of my friend Lisa. I have left you. And emptied the joint account. And I'm sorry, but I have also finished the frozen chips so you'll need to pop to the supermarket for some more. On foot".

I removed my coat and scarf and put them over the back of the chair. My phone began to ring. Dreading what bad luck would befall me next, I shakily answered the phone. It was my mum. Oh god, what would mum tell me? "James, we have won 150 million on the lottery and we are giving you half as you've been such a good son".

Finally some luck. And then it dawned on me, all the bad luck had happened whilst wearing the half and half scarf. I immediately threw it onto the fire where it burnt in a mysterious blue flame. Since then everything has gone well. My willy has gotten a lot bigger, Palace are in the Premier League and my dog came back to life.

Moral of the story is, don't buy a half and half scarf.

I had no idea how much vitriol there was towards the half and half scarf and innocently purchased a 50:50 Crystal Palace - Charlton Athletic scarf in 1992.

As I walked home from the ground I was hit by not just one car, but two. Not making the connection I brushed myself off and continued to make my way to Selhurst Station. When I arrived every single train said "Cancelled" so I had to take on a 30 minute walk to East Croydon station with my bruised legs from the car crash.

As I traversed Sydenham Road, a large pigeon sh*t landed upon my shoulder. At first I thought it was pigeon sh*t anyway but then looked up at a 1st floor window where a pair of human buttocks were stationed. Doing my best to wipe off the muck with the smallest of tissues that I had about my person, I then continued on my walk.

I arrived at East Croydon to find that my wallet had been stolen which had all my money and train ticket in it. Not wanting to be beaten I hurdled the barriers and legged it onto a train which was standing room only.

When I finally got home I found my front door wouldn't open properly. Putting all my shoulder into it, I finally got it to move and instantly realised the dragging sound was the sound of my dog's dead body scuffing along the doormat and onto the carpet. My poor dog, I was in tears. I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water and noticed a note on the side in my wife's beautiful handwriting. Perhaps a ray of light on such a dark day. "Dear James", it read, "I am leaving you, your tiny genitals no longer please me and in fact I have been admiring the downstairs of my friend Lisa. I have left you. And emptied the joint account. And I'm sorry, but I have also finished the frozen chips so you'll need to pop to the supermarket for some more. On foot".

I removed my coat and scarf and put them over the back of the chair. My phone began to ring. Dreading what bad luck would befall me next, I shakily answered the phone. It was my mum. Oh god, what would mum tell me? "James, we have won 150 million on the lottery and we are giving you half as you've been such a good son".

Finally some luck. And then it dawned on me, all the bad luck had happened whilst wearing the half and half scarf. I immediately threw it onto the fire where it burnt in a mysterious blue flame. Since then everything has gone well. My willy has gotten a lot bigger, Palace are in the Premier League and my dog came back to life.

Moral of the story is, don't buy a half and half scarf.