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I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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Hoof Hearted 03 Dec 16 9.28am

XMAS CRACKERS.........


What happens if you eat Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itis!

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!

What goes 'Ho! Ho! Ho! Thump!'?
Father Christmas laughing his head off!

Mother bought a huge turkey for Christmas dinner.
'That must have cost a fortune!' I said.
'Actually, I got it for a poultry amount,' she said.

What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday?
'Freeze a jolly good fellow!'

'Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?'
'No you can have turkey like everyone else!'

How do you make Father Christmas stew?
You keep him waiting half an hour!

Father Christmas' sledge broke down on Christmas Eve.
He flagged down a passing motorist and asked, 'Can you help me fix my sledge?'
'Sorry,' the motorist replied. 'I'm not a mechanic - I'm a chiropodist.'
'In that case', said Father Christmas, 'can you give me a toe?'

What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas?
Cross mouse cards.

What goes 'Oh! Oh! Oh!'?
Father Christmas walking backwards.

Father Christmas: 'I thought I asked you to go out there and clear the snow!'
'I'm on my way, Father Christmas.'
Father Christmas: 'But you only have one welly on!'
'That's all right! There's only one foot of snow!'

What are the wettest animals in the world?
Rain deer.

'Knock, knock.'
Who's there?
'Hannah.'
Hannah who?
'Hannah Partridge in a pear tree!'

Good King Wenceslas went into Pizza Hut.
"The usual, sir?", said the waiter.
"Yes," said Good King Wenceslas, "Deep pan, crisp and even."

What's green and goes to Summer Camp?
A Brussel Scout!

 
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Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 04 Dec 16 12.00pm Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend

"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque
being built in London. I think it should be the goal of every londoner to
be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should
Be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."

"That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the
mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call
one of the clubs, which would be gay, The Turban Cowboy, and the other, a
topless bar, would be called You Mecca Me Hot."

"Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent
to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called Iraq of Ribs."

"Across the street there could be a lingerie store called Victoria Keeps
Nothing Secret, with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods, and
on the other side a liquor store called Morehammered."

"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they
demand of us."

 

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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Hoof Hearted 04 Dec 16 1.07pm

Originally posted by Cannonball

"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque
being built in London. I think it should be the goal of every londoner to
be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should
Be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."

"That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the
mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call
one of the clubs, which would be gay, The Turban Cowboy, and the other, a
topless bar, would be called You Mecca Me Hot."

"Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent
to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called Iraq of Ribs."

"Across the street there could be a lingerie store called Victoria Keeps
Nothing Secret, with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods, and
on the other side a liquor store called Morehammered."

"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they
demand of us."

You forgot to include a proper Mortgage Broker operation not a Halal/Sharia compliant one on that street.... but I can't think of a funny muslim inspired name for it....

 
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mezzer Flag Main Stand, Block F, Row 20 seat 1... 05 Dec 16 6.50am Send a Private Message to mezzer Add mezzer as a friend

Originally posted by Hoof Hearted

You forgot to include a proper Mortgage Broker operation not a Halal/Sharia compliant one on that street.... but I can't think of a funny muslim inspired name for it....

Interest in Loans?

 

Living down here does have some advantages. At least you can see them cry.
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.TUX. Flag 05 Dec 16 10.13am

Originally posted by Hoof Hearted

You forgot to include a proper Mortgage Broker operation not a Halal/Sharia compliant one on that street.... but I can't think of a funny muslim inspired name for it....

Mustafa Home.

Abdollars R Us.

Edited by .TUX. (05 Dec 2016 10.22am)

 

Buy Litecoin.
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Hoof Hearted 05 Dec 16 12.16pm

Originally posted by .TUX.

Mustafa Home.

Abdollars R Us.

Edited by .TUX. (05 Dec 2016 10.22am)

Hahaha well done .TUX.

 
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Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 09 Dec 16 9.52pm Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks
Her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of
The road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we
Take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

 

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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HeathMan Flag Purley 12 Dec 16 2.27am Send a Private Message to HeathMan Holmesdale Online Elite Member Add HeathMan as a friend

Cannonball,

Thanks - has successfully been re-told.

 
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rednblueblood 13 Dec 16 8.44pm Send a Private Message to rednblueblood Add rednblueblood as a friend

How does jesus make tea?

Hebrews it

 

In dog beers I’ve only had one.
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ex hibitionist Flag Hastings 20 Dec 16 11.06am Send a Private Message to ex hibitionist Add ex hibitionist as a friend

There's been an explosion in a local blancmange factory. Three suspects have been remanded in custard.

 
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Borussia Flag Crystal Palace 20 Dec 16 11.29am Send a Private Message to Borussia Add Borussia as a friend

Just got back from the Bulimia Society Christmas party - the whole place was heaving...

 
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Hoof Hearted 20 Dec 16 11.33am

My Mrs wasn't impressed with the 3 gifts I got her for Christmas.....

Box of Terry's All Gold
DVD of Young Frankenstein
CD of Olly Murs Greatest Hits

I said I was influenced by the 3 Wise Men's gifts to the baby Jesus.....

Gold, Frankenstein and Murs!

 
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