I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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blackpalacefan 28 Oct 16 1.00pm
I don't hold grudges, my father did and I always hated him for it
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blackpalacefan

28 Oct 16 1.00pm

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I don't hold grudges, my father did and I always hated him for it

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blackpalacefan 28 Oct 16 1.01pm
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
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blackpalacefan

28 Oct 16 1.01pm

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

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blackpalacefan 28 Oct 16 1.01pm
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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blackpalacefan

28 Oct 16 1.01pm

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.

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Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 28 Oct 16 1.10pm
The North Yorkshire Police report finding a man's body in the River Swale, near Richmond. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red suspender belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a ‘Corbyn for Prime Minister’ T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum. The police removed the Corbyn T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. In spite of what we sometimes think, the police do care. Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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Cannonball

High in the Ozarks. 28 Oct 16 1.10pm

The North Yorkshire Police report finding a man's body in the River Swale, near Richmond.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red suspender belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a ‘Corbyn for Prime Minister’ T-shirt.
He also had a cucumber in his rectum.
The police removed the Corbyn T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
In spite of what we sometimes think, the police do care.

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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richard shaw (og)65 my minds eye 28 Oct 16 1.25pm
deaf couple in a pub in kent , live band playing in the corner , deaf woman to her deaf partner " whats the racket going on over there" - deaf bloke " I don't fcuking know " - deaf woman " go and ask the barman " - deaf man "all right when I get a drink " deaf man to barman " 2 pints of lager please , and whats that racket going on in the corner " - barman " country and western " - deaf man " what , cant hear ya " - barman " country and western " - deaf man " what , cant hear ya " - barman " country and western " - deaf man " aaaahhhh " - deaf man goes back to deaf woman and she asks " so what is that racket " --- deaf man replies " I dunno , barman said it was some c*** from westerham " interviewer " iggy , do you think you influenced anybody?" iggy pop " I think I wiped out the 60`S "
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richard shaw (og)65

my minds eye 28 Oct 16 1.25pm

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deaf couple in a pub in kent , live band playing in the corner , deaf woman to her deaf partner " whats the racket going on over there" - deaf bloke " I don't fcuking know " - deaf woman " go and ask the barman " - deaf man "all right when I get a drink " deaf man to barman " 2 pints of lager please , and whats that racket going on in the corner " - barman " country and western " - deaf man " what , cant hear ya " - barman " country and western " - deaf man " what , cant hear ya " - barman " country and western " - deaf man " aaaahhhh " - deaf man goes back to deaf woman and she asks " so what is that racket " --- deaf man replies " I dunno , barman said it was some c*** from westerham "

interviewer " iggy , do you think you influenced anybody?"
iggy pop " I think I wiped out the 60`S "

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blackpalacefan 28 Oct 16 5.07pm
Someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor b@stard Edited by blackpalacefan (28 Oct 2016 5.07pm)
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blackpalacefan

28 Oct 16 5.07pm

Someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor b@stard

Edited by blackpalacefan (28 Oct 2016 5.07pm)

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blackpalacefan 28 Oct 16 5.08pm
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey.
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blackpalacefan

28 Oct 16 5.08pm

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey.

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ex hibitionist Hastings 28 Oct 16 5.24pm
Ice Cream Man found dead on the floor of his van. When they got there he was on the floor with his head and shoulders all covered in ice cream, red sauce, chopped nuts and hundreds and thousands. He'd topped himself.
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ex hibitionist

Hastings 28 Oct 16 5.24pm

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Ice Cream Man found dead on the floor of his van. When they got there he was on the floor with his head and shoulders all covered in ice cream, red sauce, chopped nuts and hundreds and thousands. He'd topped himself.

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blackpalacefan 28 Oct 16 5.42pm
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’
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blackpalacefan

28 Oct 16 5.42pm

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’

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.TUX. 29 Oct 16 10.07am
Why does Trump take so much valium? Because of hispanic attacks. Buy Litecoin.
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.TUX.

29 Oct 16 10.07am

Why does Trump take so much valium?

Because of hispanic attacks.

Buy Litecoin.

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Hoof Hearted 29 Oct 16 11.39am
Voted Best Aussie Joke..... A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news." "Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. "Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that .... so, what's the other possible good news?" "Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again."
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Hoof Hearted 29 Oct 16 11.39am

Voted Best Aussie Joke.....

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that .... so, what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again."

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sickboy Deal or Croydon 29 Oct 16 12.02pm
Originally posted by Hoof Hearted Voted Best Aussie Joke..... A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news." "Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. "Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that .... so, what's the other possible good news?" "Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again." Superb.
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sickboy

Deal or Croydon 29 Oct 16 12.02pm

Originally posted by Hoof Hearted