I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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Hoof Hearted 05 Mar 16 8.58am
Originally posted by Cannonball The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General. As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America." The General said, "Well, is there anything I can do to help? The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or pakistanis on 'Star Trek'. "The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..." Hahaha good joke ... but be warned... your card has just been marked by the lefty PC Brigade on here....
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Hoof Hearted 05 Mar 16 8.58am

Originally posted by Cannonball

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
The General said, "Well, is there anything I can do to help?
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.

"The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."

Hahaha good joke ... but be warned... your card has just been marked by the lefty PC Brigade on here....

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Hoof Hearted 10 Mar 16 9.24am
My brother and I inherited a load of furniture from a Zoo. Luckily I was given the Lion's Chair.
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Hoof Hearted 10 Mar 16 9.24am

My brother and I inherited a load of furniture from a Zoo.

Luckily I was given the Lion's Chair.

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monkey Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 12 Mar 16 9.04pm
What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A Baboom
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monkey

Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 12 Mar 16 9.04pm

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A Baboom

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wollongongeagle wollongong 18 Mar 16 12.53pm
"Imagine all the Pay-Pal" John Lennon was way ahead of his time. We are the goon squad and we're going to town. Beep Beep!
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wollongongeagle

wollongong 18 Mar 16 12.53pm

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"Imagine all the Pay-Pal"
John Lennon was way ahead of his time.

We are the goon squad and we're going to town. Beep Beep!

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Hoof Hearted 20 Mar 16 8.54am
What's the difference between red and green? Nothing - if you're riding a bike!
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Hoof Hearted 20 Mar 16 8.54am

What's the difference between red and green?

Nothing - if you're riding a bike!

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Direwolf Lincoln 21 Mar 16 6.23pm
I used to work for a nuclear shelter manufacturer. I thought we'd go down like a bomb but we had a fallout.
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Direwolf

Lincoln 21 Mar 16 6.23pm

I used to work for a nuclear shelter manufacturer. I thought we'd go down like a bomb but we had a fallout.

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monkey Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 24 Mar 16 6.39am
I said to the wife 'what would you do if I won the lottery'?? She said 'I'd take half and leave you' I said 'good, I've just won a tenner, here's a fiver, now F*** off'
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monkey

Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 24 Mar 16 6.39am

I said to the wife 'what would you do if I won the lottery'??

She said 'I'd take half and leave you'

I said 'good, I've just won a tenner, here's a fiver, now F*** off'

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Hoof Hearted 27 Mar 16 11.29am
Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking. “Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off.” said the teacher. 'Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question’?” asked the teacher. Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'. 'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.” 'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen. 'Well okay,' said the teacher. The next quote is, “I had a dream! Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!” “Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off” “No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat. 'Okay,' said the teacher. Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “Fcuking Asians!” “Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone. “Donald Trump!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday ………..”
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Hoof Hearted 27 Mar 16 11.29am

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

“Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off.” said the teacher. 'Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question’?” asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.”

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

'Well okay,' said the teacher.

The next quote is, “I had a dream!
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!”

“Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off”

“No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat.

'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “Fcuking Asians!”

“Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

“Donald Trump!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday ………..”

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NEILLO Shoreham-by-Sea 27 Mar 16 11.55am
Originally posted by Hoof Hearted Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking. “Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off.” said the teacher. 'Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question’?” asked the teacher. Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'. 'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.” 'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen. 'Well okay,' said the teacher. The next quote is, “I had a dream! Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!” “Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off” “No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat. 'Okay,' said the teacher. Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “Fcuking Asians!” “Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone. “Donald Trump!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday ………..” Cheers Chris, I just spat a mouthful of champers out when I read that ! Old, Ungifted and White
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NEILLO

Shoreham-by-Sea 27 Mar 16 11.55am

Originally posted by Hoof Hearted

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.”

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

'Well okay,' said the teacher.

The next quote is, “I had a dream!
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!”

“Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off”

“No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat.

'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “Fcuking Asians!”

“Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

“Donald Trump!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday ………..”

Cheers Chris, I just spat a mouthful of champers out when I read that !

Old, Ungifted and White

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Hoof Hearted 27 Mar 16 5.56pm
"De parrot, he is dead....." At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Señor Bob ? This is Ernesto , the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto . What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob , that your parrot, he is dead". "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Is, Señor, that's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob ...." "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Señor Bob ......" "My prize thoroughbred is dead?" "Yes, Señor Bob , he died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Señor." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!" "Yes, Señor Bob." "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral, Señor Bob ......" "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!" "Your wife's, Señor Bob . She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft." SILENCE.............. LONG SILENCE......... VERY LONG SILENCE............ " Ernesto , if you broke that driver, you're in deep s***."
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Hoof Hearted 27 Mar 16 5.56pm

"De parrot, he is dead....."

At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Señor Bob ? This is Ernesto , the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto . What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob , that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Is, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob ...."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob ......"
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Bob , he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Bob."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Bob ......"
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Bob . She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE..............

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE............

" Ernesto , if you broke that driver, you're in deep s***."

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mezzer Main Stand, Block F, Row 20 seat 1... 29 Mar 16 7.54am
Great night Saturday. Made love to my wife for an hour and three minutes. Happens every year when the clocks go forward. Living down here does have some advantages. At least you can see them cry.
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mezzer

Main Stand, Block F, Row 20 seat 1... 29 Mar 16 7.54am