One of my mates bought a dog off a locksmith

When he got it home it made a bolt for the door

Lend me a Tenor

31 May to 3 June 2017

John McIntosh Arts Centre
London Oratory School
SW6 1RX

with Superfly in the chorus
[Link]

Doesanyoneknowwhathelongbaronthebottomofmykeyboardisfor?

Living down here does have some advantages. At least you can see them cry.

The 10 funniest jokes from the Fringe Festival 2014

1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover ... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine.

2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.

3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson.

4. "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s" - Bec Hill.

5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina.

6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor.

7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro.

=8. "I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame 'cause halfway through he disappears up his own a***hole" - Kevin Day.

=8. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook.

10. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward.

Honourable mentions

"I go to the kebab shop so much that when they call me boss in there it's less a term of affection, more an economic reality"
Ed Gamble.

"Leadership looks fun, but it's stressful. Just look at someone leading a conga"
James Acaster.

"I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved"
Sara Pascoe.

“The past is another country. Property is cheaper there.”
John-Luke Roberts: Stand-Up

“I used to think an ocean of soda existed, but it was just a Fanta sea.”
Bec Hill in... Ellipses

“There are very few people at the Fringe these days doing Roman-numeral jokes. I is one.”
Chris Turner: Pretty Fly

“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.”
Alex Horne: Monsieur Butterfly

“I’m not sexist – I’m not! That’s why I let my female workers work longer than the men so they can make the same money.”
Al Murray: The Pub Landlord’s Late Lock In

“Fun fact: did you know that HIV is actually Roman for “high five”? Pass it on – or, rather, don’t.”
Rhys James: Begins

“The other day, I went to KFC. I didn’t know Kentucky had a football club.”
Nick Helm’s Two Night Stand at the Grand

“I’ve got nothing against teachers now. I’ve got friends that went to schools that were full of teachers.”
Dane Baptiste: Citizen Dane

“Wetherspoons? They’ve all got character. They’ve all got the same character.”
Liam Williams: Capitalism

“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.”
Sara Pascoe vs History

“I thought Benefits Street was a budget box of chocolates that you could buy at Lidl.”
Imran Yusuf: Roar of the Underdog

“Giving up smoking for 27 years is like wrestling a polar bear, in that it can make you quite tense.”
Dylan Moran, in Comedy Sans Frontières
“You have to be careful in my country because we have bad cars and good wine, a dangerous combination.”
Francesco De Carlo: Italians do it Later

“I’m Clive Anderson, in case you were thinking so that’s what happened to William Hague these past years...”
Clive Anderson, in What Does the Title Matter Anyway?

“The reason I was never that scared of the enemy fighters in Star Wars is they look essentially like flying brackets.”
Will Adamsdale: Borders

“In advertisements, there are just two types of women: wanton, gagging for it; or vacuous. We’re either coming on a window-pane, or laughing at salads.”
Bridget Christie: An Ungrateful Woman

“That song ends flatly. It’s like a sniper at Riverdance.”
Chris Turner: Pretty Fly

“A funny German comedian? For you, that’s like a Russian human-rights commission.”
Michael Mittermeier: Das Blackout

“There’s only four things you can be in life: sober, tipsy, drunk and hungover. Tipsy is the only one where you don’t cry when you’re doing it.”
James Acaster: Recognise

“Like most liberals, I will do anything for the working classes, anything - apart from mix with them.”
Kevin Day: Standy Uppy

“I’ve got type 1 diabetes. Diabetes is the only disease where I’ve had to stop half way through having sex to have a Kit Kat.”
Ed Gamble: Gambletron 5000

“I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said, I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is. He said, You have to love Easter, baby.”
Tim Vine: Timtiminee Timtiminee Tim Tim to You

“Due to the size of my social circle, a lads' holiday would resemble a romantic getaway.”
Phil Wang: Mellow Yellow

“My dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.”
Mark Watson: Flaws

“There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.”
Nish Kumar: Ruminations on the Nature of Subjectivity

“When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”
Frank Skinner: Man in a Suit

Vine also qualified for the "worst" list, with his show opener: "I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house."

He was joined by John Kearns, who joked "I had a friend call Iain. Two 'i's... to go with the face", and Mike Shephard, for: "I'm lazy - my childhood ambition was to be an injured footballer."

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

I have outlived my pecker.

A Poem

My nookie days are over,

My pilot light is out.

What used to be my pride and joy,

Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,

From my trousers it would spring.

But now I've got a full time job,

To find the bloody thing.

It used to be embarrassing,

The way it would behave.

For every single morning,

It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,

It sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its little head,

And watch me tie my shoes!!

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

Police have removed a large amount of material from a house belonging to Cliff Richard.

Fingers crossed it's just child p*** and not new music.

In dog beers I’ve only had one.

LOL. Took me minute.

Or several, to be honest.