Rule number 1: drink a MINIMUM of ten units of alcohol, that's AT LEAST five points, I'd recommended six, possibly seven, with a couple of large chasers before you take the mic.

Rule number 2: NO songs that require singing, no power ballads with long notes, no 'Power of Love' by Frankie or Angels by that damned Robbie Williams. Novelty songs that don't require singing are the order, e.g Ernie by Benny Hill, Donald Where's yer troosers, I've got a brand new combine harvester etc.. and I guarantee you will top the billing.

My 'Ernie' in the Leigham Arms in Streatham is still being talked about eight years hence, my Quando Quando Quando in East Ham is less of a talking point but probably should be ... got any karaoke advice, tips, fav songs, good/bad experiences. My Quando Quando Quando was in the Essex Arms in East Ham, the compere was a man called Gary Oakey the Karaoke Blokey. Top that - that's unfair, it's impossible.

Can't stand darned Karaoke.What's to like about pub singers getting up and singing really badly, often in an advanced state of refreshment? Hardly entertainment.Much prefer 'Open Mic' where there is a certain standard of entertainment and you get some good acts - seen quite a few good ones on such an evening.

Second rule is see rule one.

I do love the self confidence some of the Karaoke pub singers have, thinking they are fantastic when in fact the blood is pouring from peoples ears. They sing every song like they are trying to out scream Bonnie Tyler.

Clinton is Clinton. I have known him for a long time, I know his mother... Simon Jordan

I once was so pissed I got up and did a rousing (to me) rendition of The Lambeth Walk in a boozer in Splott, Cardiff. I think the locals looked on me as a bigger headcase than them.

'Lies to the masses as are like fly's to mollasses...they want more and more and more'

Hit me with your rhythm stick - can't go wrong with that one.