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Anyone else got a Fcukwit mate?

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Hoof Hearted 05 Oct 16 3.25pm

I have a circle of friends... ex work colleagues that played footy together and kept in touch after 30+ years.

One of them, Keef, works for EE as a programmer/systems analyst/tester for new products.

He works with another mate Mike and the other day we went out for a curry and he told us the story of a new product launch of a "Pet Finder" that Keef was put in charge of and it had got to testing stage, and Keef asked Mike if he could test it on his dog. Both live in Bristol.

So Mike took the device home and put it on his dog and told his wife to take the dog out for a walk about 10am.

Keef and Mike were monitoring his movements on a laptop.

They could see the target on a map, but didn't recognise where it was so zoomed out to check the location.... still no clearer.... when it was fully zoomed out they could see that the device was showing the dog was in Shanghai in China!

We all p1ssed ourselves laughing at Keef who just shrugged his shoulders and smiled.

Bless him, he does give us all entertainment even if he doesn't mean to.

Mike then went on to tell us about conference calls he makes where Keef interrupts loudly calling him a poof or something, not realising he is on the conference call.... LOL

 

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nickgusset Flag Shizzlehurst 05 Oct 16 3.45pm

Only you

 

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Superfly Flag The sun always shines in Catford 05 Oct 16 3.48pm Send a Private Message to Superfly Add Superfly as a friend

I've a feeling I've told these before but here's a few snippets from my mate Fruity

--------------------------

Me & Balds were in our front room watching a helicopter landing over the road. Fruity walks in when it's literally a couple of feet off the ground. Balds: Look Fruit, a helecopetor
Fruity: Fukcing hell! That's flying a bit low innit!

--------------------------

Steve: Oi, Fruity, I think I left my motorbike gloves at your house. Have you seen them?
Fruity: I've found one. What does the other one look like?

--------------------------

Me: I fancy renting a film for us to watch. Can I borrow your Blockbusters card?
Fruity: Yeah, it's just over there on the side
Me: Cheers takes card and heads for the door Have you got any preferences?
Fruity: You don't need a preference. Just the card will do.

 


Lend me a Tenor

31 May to 3 June 2017

John McIntosh Arts Centre
London Oratory School
SW6 1RX

with Superfly in the chorus
[Link]

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Part Time James Flag 05 Oct 16 3.49pm Send a Private Message to Part Time James Add Part Time James as a friend

We have a total f*ckwit at work. He walks around with cups of tea held on its side so about 50% of the tea is on the floor by the time he gets to his desk. He also says weird stuff. We had a new girl in the office. On her third day he appeared behind her and said "Quick question, what is your favourite vegetable?" being polite she said "cabbage I guess". He went "Oooo, so close, I wrote down cauliflower, same first letter though". Then he sat back down.

I don't know why he does any of the stuff he does.

 




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Part Time James Flag 05 Oct 16 3.50pm Send a Private Message to Part Time James Add Part Time James as a friend

Originally posted by Superfly

I've a feeling I've told these before but here's a few snippets from my mate Fruity

--------------------------

Me & Balds were in our front room watching a helicopter landing over the road. Fruity walks in when it's literally a couple of feet off the ground. Balds: Look Fruit, a helecopetor
Fruity: Fukcing hell! That's flying a bit low innit!

--------------------------

Steve: Oi, Fruity, I think I left my motorbike gloves at your house. Have you seen them?
Fruity: I've found one. What does the other one look like?

--------------------------

Me: I fancy renting a film for us to watch. Can I borrow your Blockbusters card?
Fruity: Yeah, it's just over there on the side
Me: Cheers takes card and heads for the door Have you got any preferences?
Fruity: You don't need a preference. Just the card will do.

I want to hear more about Fruity!

 




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nickgusset Flag Shizzlehurst 05 Oct 16 3.52pm

Dave Lilly 'you three look like twins'

 

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rednblueblood 05 Oct 16 3.59pm Send a Private Message to rednblueblood Add rednblueblood as a friend

Conversation I had with an apprentice at work last year:
Me.Can't wait,I'm off on holiday on Thursday
Apple.Ohhhh where are you going?
Me. Lapland
App.Is that where Elvis lives?
Me.

 


In dog beers I’ve only had one.

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richard shaw (og)65 Flag my minds eye 05 Oct 16 4.47pm Send a Private Message to richard shaw (og)65 Add richard shaw (og)65 as a friend

a fella I know was on gardening leave for 3 months so I said to him
" 3 months off , you must be w***ing your cock to a little point "

he replies " yeah , it looks like a protractor "

I reply " hahahahaha , I think you mean a compass !! youre getting your technical drawing tools mixed up mate "

 


interviewer " iggy , do you think you influenced anybody?"
iggy pop " I think I wiped out the 60`S "

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Hoof Hearted 06 Oct 16 10.17am

Originally posted by nickgusset

Only you

I'll give you that one.....

Update on Keef.... he's been at it again on the conference calls at EE.

They booked a room for the Bristol participants to chat with other Depts and everyone in the room was wearing a mike. Halfway through the meeting Keef gets up and goes to the toilet still miked up.

After he had finished his business he flushed the bog and started whistling which everyone else in EE UK could hear.

My other mate Mike just did one of these...

 

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Littlebogreek Flag 06 Oct 16 10.30am Send a Private Message to Littlebogreek Add Littlebogreek as a friend

Went on holiday with mates and our birds when we were 18 and we were walking out to dinner early evening - below exchange is pretty much word for word

Mate 1: Stops suddenly and looks shocked "what the f*ck is that???"

Mate 2: "that would be the moon"

Mate 1: "well if thats the moon, what the f*ck is that???"

Mate 2: "that would be the sun"

Mate 1: "huh? how can that be...."

After much coaxing, turns out he thought the sun turned round at night and became the moon. He was private school educated too.

 

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richard shaw (og)65 Flag my minds eye 06 Oct 16 1.25pm Send a Private Message to richard shaw (og)65 Add richard shaw (og)65 as a friend

Originally posted by Littlebogreek

Went on holiday with mates and our birds when we were 18 and we were walking out to dinner early evening - below exchange is pretty much word for word

Mate 1: Stops suddenly and looks shocked "what the f*ck is that???"

Mate 2: "that would be the moon"

Mate 1: "well if thats the moon, what the f*ck is that???"

Mate 2: "that would be the sun"

Mate 1: "huh? how can that be...."

After much coaxing, turns out he thought the sun turned round at night and became the moon. He was private school educated too.

hahaha , kin ell , that is brilliant , hahaha .

what the feck did he think of the moon landings then

Edited by richard shaw (og)65 (06 Oct 2016 1.26pm)

 


interviewer " iggy , do you think you influenced anybody?"
iggy pop " I think I wiped out the 60`S "

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Littlebogreek Flag 06 Oct 16 1.53pm Send a Private Message to Littlebogreek Add Littlebogreek as a friend

Originally posted by richard shaw (og)65

hahaha , kin ell , that is brilliant , hahaha .

what the feck did he think of the moon landings then

Edited by richard shaw (og)65 (06 Oct 2016 1.26pm)

In hindsight, I wish I'd asked him that! The crazy thing is, he's actually a really smart guy. Just goes to show, they are only easy if you them!

 

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