Given the current vogue for getting famous help with a struggling football club, which celebrity could help us in our current plight?

My vote goes to Pope John Paul 2nd, acquaintance or Alan Mullary as we need some divine intervention.

Still going strong at grand age of 87, no word on the Ostrich though.

Can we not get some big American star? I'm thinking Tom Cruise hanging out with the fanatics. Oprah having a lager with Brighty on a match day. Jay-Z being the new stadium announcer. That kind of thing. For us, they'll need billions so it does rule many out. They could get a statue atop the new main stand. With an eagle perched on their arm.

Red and Blue Army!

And she could treble ticket prices and nobody would mind.

Red and Blue Army!

Possibly controversial, but what about Putin?

Opposition players mysteriously coming down ill. We invade neighbouring clubs claiming they always belonged to us and if any pundits are critical of our team they end up in a gulag. Imagine, Putin riding around SP on a horse with an eagle on his shoulder after we win the PL unopposed.

Such a shame Gaddafi never took us over. Never heard any Saddam Hussein or Ayatollah rumours but you never know I guess. Putin would be good for planning permission for the new main stand. One could only imagine how planning objections would disappear.

Red and Blue Army!