He is the footballing equivalent of a mate I played basketball with who was 6’10” but couldn’t dunk it. His feet never left the ground when he jumped. Whilst watching our very own Bambi skittering across the pitch and leaping like a tailless salmon I was fondly reminded of ‘big John’.

How do we keep finding strikers like Sorloth, Benteke and Mateta that are so poor at finishing.

In a kind way, Bolasie. No-one, incl himself, knew what he what going to do.

At the other end of the spectrum, Rashid Harkouk. Part tricky winger, part goal score, part thug, complete fruit loop.

This operation, will make the 'Charge Of The Light Brigade' seem like a simple military exercise.

You can't offer up Aylott without mentioning his mate, Tommy "lungs" Langley. Now there was stand-up, or fall-down (take your pick) comedy. There's Andy Preece too, who would have flattered to deceive if he hadn't been so useless that no one was deceived in the first place.

There was comedy value in Marco Gabbiadini, who we thought represented a bargain a year after his career-ending injury. Yes, his career went on for a few years notwithstanding that it had already ended but hey ho, he was a bargain.

And how could we forget Itzhik Zohar and his penalty (miss)? Still, they all pale in comparison next to Florian Marange, whose stint at Palace was so memorable that no one can remember it. Our board does know how to bring players in. It's just that they have to be a). useless and b). cheap. Maybe a and b are connected? Quick. Someone tell Parish.

Sydenham by birth. Selhurst by the Grace of God.

At a time like this, it's deeply offensive to mention competent, hard-working, goal-scoring Palace players. The words "Andy" and "Johnson" should never be included in any sentence or conversation that includes mention of Edouard or Mateta :-)

Sydenham by birth. Selhurst by the Grace of God.