I think there's an award for badly written erotica but with the wordsmiths on this board I thought we could have a stab at putting together a best seller which could adorn the shelves of the new HOL shop in time for Christmas.

Knowing the HOL, I suspect it won't be long until passages are being hijacked so that people are making love in time with the Red Flag or objects of desire are being kitted out in Maggie Thatcher wigs but I'll have a go at one or two ideas that have been kicking around my head while I've been sunning myself this last couple of weeks. Feel free to add your own.

Here goes with the first:

Her alleyway of love was as wet as a janitor's mop and she screamed in ecstasy as though her fingers had been caught in a heavy oak drawer

Living down here does have some advantages. At least you can see them cry.

"As his hand slipped inside the front of her knickers it felt a bit like feeding a horse."

Living down here does have some advantages. At least you can see them cry.

I have given up

Just then.... there was a knock at the door. She opened it furtively...
"Hello Alice", said Pardew with a swelling in his loins to match the Xmas Tree in her front living room.
He thrusted it towards her with no thought of anything but scoring.... but he had failed to notice her son's skateboard and went arse over t1t as he tripped upon it and fell down the stairs into her basement cellar.
"Bollocks!" he cried... "I've hurt my bollocks".
"Fcuk off Alan!" she said as she closed the door on him.... "You always promise so much and always fail to deliver".
Just then the doorbell rang..... she opened it expectantly.... "Sam... is that really you?"

Edited by Hoof Hearted (29 Nov 2016 11.53am)

He looked in to her eyes and whispered 'Greggs?' 'Aye love, Greggs, corned beef, jf not, Steak Bake'

He carefully removed her silk underwear to reveal what could only be described as Don King in a headlock..