The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45
destroyers Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and
HMS Dauntless,the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure
from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS
Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest
employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and
to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk
of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation
claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full
sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct
balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels
Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a
gay disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational
Cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for;
"Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced
by sparkling water.
Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The
lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced
by "Hello Sailor".
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages
and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow
beards and/or moustaches.
This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because
the White Ensign may offend minorities.
The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by
Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol
bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays
"In the Navy" by the Village People.
Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal
immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in
modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new
legislation from Brussels ."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.