When my two lads were younger we used to have season tickets in the Whitehorse Lane stand. We sat in what I can only describe as a madhouse. Behind us were these two teenage guys, Commentary Kid who gave a 90 minute commentary on the game, which included shouting Hoooooofaaaaah! every time a ball was played out of defence. His mate, Capello Kid, could pass a judgment on any new player after their first touch of the ball, usually 'I've seen enough, waste of money'.

In front of us we had the Picnic family who had the whole works, flasks, sandwiches, sausage rolls, pork pies and, curiously, packets of sugar, salt and pepper that were blagged from cross-Channel ferries. This picnic lasted the whole game. Just along from them was the Mad Hatter who always wore a hat with ear-flaps, regardless of the weather. During the game the flaps would change from up to down and sticking straight out; our theory was that it was an indication of how he thought the game was going.

Also in the row behind us was a dad and two sons. Everytime (and I mean everytime) a Palace player was tackled, resulting in loss of footing, he would shout 'get yer cards out ref'. His youngest son, when the opposition goal keeper was about to kick the ball from hands, would shout in a squeaky voice, 'drop it'; it was mildly amusing the first time but not so much so after several hundred times.

A few rows back was a bloke with a whiney voice who, for some reason, had a pathological hatred of Sean Derry. Every time Derry came near he would berate him mercilessly with such gems as 'so what you gonna do now Derry' and 'Derry, you're s***'. One home game Derry had clearly had enough and shouted loud enough for half the stand to hear 'will-you-f***-off'; it can't be much fun being rawly told and having hundreds laughing at you as the geezer never did it again.

Apologies if anyone recognises themselves.

Years ago when we had seats in the Upper there was this autistic kid would not stop rabbiting on for the whole match. Couldn't tell him to shut up as he was autistic. We would take it in turns as to who sat next to him but ended up moving seats.

Behind me now, in block D, is a bloke who is very negative and every season has one player who can do nothing right. It's not constant through so would call it mildly annoying.