I was in the pub with a pal who is not the sharpest tool in the shed. I told him i was off to Dubai the next day and had been involved in a betting scam with a guy and we were making a few quid from it. I told him, Dubai are 3hrs ahead of the UK so when i am there i get the football results ahead of people in the UK. So i text over four results and we put £100 on it with the bookies and clean up. I told him its why they don't allow gambling in Dubai. The next day he texed me four times asking if i was going to send him the results over.

Very difficult to top this one.

Not a mate, but when I was a busier contractor, I had young lads on work experience
(stopped it soon, it drove me mad)
Anyway, I had the lad with me in the van , driving over Purley way,near the old airport site.
There is a WW2 memorial there on the common land just by Croydon airport.
He asks 'whats that?'
I said' WW2 memorial'
f***wit lad sez' is that where it happened?'
If only I had a gun..

Kids,tired of being bothered by your pesky parents?
Then leave home, get a job & pay your own bills, while you still know everything.

And on another occasion, I received a call at 1600 from an Oxford don who needed to get some documents to Japan 'by tomorrow'.

It's already tomorrow in Japan I advised.

The don couldn't grasp the concept of time zones, and in desperation asked me to route his document on aircraft that flew to Japan around the world 'the other way'.

Beat that.

Edited by Harpo (06 Oct 2016 11.35pm)

Yes. One friend asked me not so long ago how she could go about getting a match day hospitality ticket at arsenal football club for her husband's birthday. After chatting and advising her that it would he extremely expensive. It turns out she genuinely thought she could get one for about £20... not sure which planet she lives on to be honest

When I was a young girl my Mother said to me.. You listen here kid you're CPFC

I think I might actually be the f*ckwit.

One Monday morning I woke up to find a lump on my right nipple. It was hard and not dissimilar to the description I had found for lumps relating to cancer. Knowing that it was actually possible for men to get breast cancer I instantly became worried, despite usually being the sort of person to shrug off most ailments. I phoned the doctor and made an emergency appointment and then called work to say that I'd be late in. (In hindsight the following story should actually make me feel very guilty for wasting the time of the NHS). I went in and talked to a kind doctor who re-assured me and said that it didn't feel like the big C and was more likely caused by a trauma to the nipple. As I walked back home to get ready for work I remembered that on the previous Friday at work, to impress one of the girls in the office, I had attached a (not powered) jump lead to my nipple and we all timed how long I could keep it on there before the pain became so bad I could no longer tolerate it.

That's not a fcukwit, that's a fetish.