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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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sniffer dagenham The narm, Dagennarm 03 Jan 15 10.10pm
Got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner
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sniffer dagenham

The narm, Dagennarm 03 Jan 15 10.10pm

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Got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner

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Palacetinian Surrey Fam 05 Jan 15 12.40am
Every Christmas for the last five years I asked God for a bike but never received anything. So last time I mentioned this to the local Priest who told me "God doesn't work that way". So last Friday I went to Halford's and stole one and on Sunday I asked God for forgiveness! Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!
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Palacetinian

Surrey Fam 05 Jan 15 12.40am

Every Christmas for the last five years I asked God for a bike but never received anything.

So last time I mentioned this to the local Priest who told me "God doesn't work that way".

So last Friday I went to Halford's and stole one and on Sunday I asked God for forgiveness!

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

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Palacetinian Surrey Fam 05 Jan 15 12.42am
When my girlfriend suggested we try playing doctors and nurses I was really hoping for something sexier than being left in a corridor for 2 days! Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!
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Palacetinian

Surrey Fam 05 Jan 15 12.42am

When my girlfriend suggested we try playing doctors and nurses I was really hoping for something sexier than being left in a corridor for 2 days!

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

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RedNBlueMart Walderslade 07 Jan 15 1.37pm
Why did the Monkey fall out of the Tree? Because he was dead. Why did the Chicken fall out of the Tree? Because he was stapled to the Monkey. Why did the Elephant fall out of the Tree? Because he thought it was a game. How did the Giraffe Die? A Chicken, an Elephant and a Monkey fell on him
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RedNBlueMart

Walderslade 07 Jan 15 1.37pm

Why did the Monkey fall out of the Tree?
Because he was dead.

Why did the Chicken fall out of the Tree?
Because he was stapled to the Monkey.

Why did the Elephant fall out of the Tree?
Because he thought it was a game.

How did the Giraffe Die?
A Chicken, an Elephant and a Monkey fell on him

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Palacetinian Surrey Fam 10 Jan 15 12.14am
MOTHER SUPERIOR As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies," and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you." But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it.... Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant. Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me." Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye....."OH DEAR, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE WEARING FATHER MURPHY'S SLIPPERS!!" Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!
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Palacetinian

Surrey Fam 10 Jan 15 12.14am

MOTHER SUPERIOR
As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies," and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you."

But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it....

Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.

Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me."

Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye....."OH DEAR, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE WEARING FATHER MURPHY'S SLIPPERS!!"

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

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Hoof Hearted 10 Jan 15 10.54am
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. One day her husband died. A year later she remarried and went on to have 22 more kids. After the last one is born, her second husband croaks. A month later, Maria dies as well. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria in her coffin, looks up to heaven, and says, "Finally, they're together." A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?" The priest grimaces and answers "I mean her legs."
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Hoof Hearted 10 Jan 15 10.54am

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children.

One day her husband died.

A year later she remarried and went on to have 22 more
kids.

After the last one is born, her second husband croaks.

A month later, Maria dies as well.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria
in her coffin, looks up to heaven, and says, "Finally, they're together."

A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

The priest grimaces and answers "I mean her legs."

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Palacetinian Surrey Fam 17 Jan 15 2.11pm
A book just fell on my head. I've got my shelf to blame Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!
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Palacetinian

Surrey Fam 17 Jan 15 2.11pm

A book just fell on my head.

I've got my shelf to blame

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

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Palacetinian Surrey Fam 18 Jan 15 12.18am
Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other. "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! - BOTH OF US? Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!
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Palacetinian

Surrey Fam 18 Jan 15 12.18am

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over
there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin,
"WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the
photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out,
"OH LARD JESUS! - BOTH OF US?

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

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Palacetinian Surrey Fam 20 Jan 15 7.03am
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Colour of eyes? Husband: Never noticed. Sergeant: Colour of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my truck. Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up. Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck. Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!
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Palacetinian

Surrey Fam 20 Jan 15 7.03am

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Colour of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

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Palacetinian Surrey Fam 26 Jan 15 2.32pm
A mate has just offered me a grand's worth of fishing tackle for £20. I wonder what the catch is? Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!
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Palacetinian

Surrey Fam 26 Jan 15 2.32pm

A mate has just offered me a grand's worth of fishing tackle for £20.

I wonder what the catch is?

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

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Catfish Burgess Hill 26 Jan 15 5.29pm
In the great days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said: "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, my right-hand man and the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless." Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man, less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. “I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....." The colonel interrupted: "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers. He can find all that in your file. “Tell him about the day you told the local Witch Doctor to f*** off." Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial
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Catfish

Burgess Hill 26 Jan 15 5.29pm

In the great days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said:

"You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, my right-hand man and the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man, less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.

“I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

The colonel interrupted: "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers. He can find all that in your file. “Tell him about the day you told the local Witch Doctor to f*** off."

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

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Hoof Hearted 28 Jan 15 4.37pm
Quote Catfish at 26 Jan 2015 5.29pm In the great days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said: "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, my right-hand man and the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless." Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man, less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. “I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....." The colonel interrupted: "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers. He can find all that in your file. “Tell him about the day you told the local Witch Doctor to f*** off." I've just fwd'd this to all my email contacts.. it's gone down very well. LOL
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Hoof Hearted 28 Jan 15 4.37pm

Quote Catfish at 26 Jan 2015 5.29pm

In the great days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said:

"You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, my right-hand man and the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.

“I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

The colonel interrupted: "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers. He can find all that in your file. “Tell him about the day you told the local Witch Doctor to f*** off."

I've just fwd'd this to all my email contacts.. it's gone down very well. LOL

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