A man and wife are playing golf when the wife falls over.
"I'm having a heart attack. Get help quickly !!"
The husband telephones the clubhouse. He then continues to putt out.
"Quick where's the help ?" says the wife.

" You're lucky" says the husband "there's a doctor 4 holes behind us".

"Where is he ?"

" He'll be here soon. They're letting him play through"

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

The Premature Ejaculation Society's annual dinner is tonight. There's no dress code - just come in your pants.

Theives stole a truck full of viagra yesterday-
Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Shelley is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Shelley surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. the 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelley. 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

This post has been merged from a topic called 'a real miser' by staffie

A man rings a dentist and asked "how much would it be to have a tooth pulled". The dentist says 80euro. The man says "80euro, can you do it any cheaper? The dentist says "I can pull it for a tenner with no anaesthetic" the man says "that'd be great, okay, I'll send her in to you tomorrow"

Edited by purple princess (03 Dec 2014 8.40am)